Sunday, March 25, 2012

My Worst Fears: It's Friday

It was a circus. He once again had all of his witnesses in order, prepared to publicly humiliate me as much as the courts would allow. I work in the field of domestic violence and when writing papers we generally conclude with how to prevent abuse and violence. So why, when so many of us are spending careers writing about how to stop abuse, does it continue at such an alarming rate? Because abusers are fantastic at becoming the victim in the story and making the victim the perpetrator.  It would have taken a perceptive, well trained, person to see the real abuser, and in my case this did not happen until almost the end.
Sociopaths thrive on drama, chaos and refraction. They cannot spend too much time on any one point because it’s so far from reality and untrue. They are on point D when the victim is still stuttering about how A, B and C are lies and then suddenly D is fact and D is truth. The sociopath is very regulated and very in control. Why not?  They are puppeteers and they are dictating everything so they can just sit calmly back. They don’t get anxious, don’t flinch or waver; they look you directly in the eye and LIE. Meanwhile the perplexed and seemingly out of control victims become more deregulated. Listen, we do get “crazy” because orange is not green and no one will listen. They are extremely confident about point D being the truth, they are generally attractive, well dressed/groomed, poised, well-spoken… so… no one challenges them.
My attorney encouraged me to say nothing; we would have to wait for them to go through all of their antics and slowly prove otherwise. I would have to willingly be publicly re-victimized.
I sat back and allowed the abuse to run over me and thru me without saying a word; I would continue to do this for over a year. I became a stronger person; he underestimated me.
By 2pm on Friday I was allowed to have my son only three hours a day a couple of days a week and all day Saturday. I was paying $1,200 per month in child support, I was paying all court ordered therapy (over $1,000 per month) 70% of all the Guardian Ad Litem fees, my attorney, and, by this time, my daughters had turned completely against me. It was recommended that I attend weekly therapy, a weekly alcohol abuse program, and ordered to participate in a full family psychological evaluation. He had no individual responsibilities. Again…I was supporting a family of five with the same job for more than a decade (and health insurance, etc.), he was exremely underemployed, and he was given primary time share of our children! My value and worth to my family was monetary only.
I had two friends waiting for me; I left with them in utter astonishment and in silence.

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Thank you for your comment. Positive feedback and helping those that have experienced the same tragedies are what keeps me going.