Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Isolation is Abuse Cont...

I spoke to a friend today, a friend that I haven’t spoken to in years. She said she wondered why we stopped spending time together and wondered if it was her fault. Nope, that’s what happens when you are married to a sociopath. You stop having friends. They cannot handle any relationships that they do not control or at least also have access to. They want you to be attached only to them. That way your life and your sense of worth depend upon that one person. If you have other relationships and enjoyments, that enhance your life, a marriage or a true partner becomes one part of your life, albeit the major part. And you chose to be with this person; you are not coerced or threatened. The relationship enhances your life concurrently with activities, hobbies, friends and family.

Without any other relationships you need them…..desperately. With one attachment, their words and behavior hold an incredible amount of power. Isolation is key to a sociopath. When they become your sole attachment and then refuse to validate any feelings or thoughts, you morph into a creature that looks nothing like your former, pre-sociopath-relationship, self. This is also key for a sociopath: their partner is “crazy.” As the victim becomes more and more "crazy," and without outside comparisons/insight, the sociopath is more than willing to offer "the explanation and diagnosis."
My friend today contacted me because she has heard about my marital abuse and wondered if maybe her current husband was also a sociopath. After our 30 minute conversation (and knowing her partner) my answer is… YES. Why do I say that with such confidence? Because I am an "expert" on sociopaths. Anyone who has wriggled away with any and all strength is an expert. She has five children and I dread her road ahead, whether she stays or leaves. And that, blog readers, is why I write! Friend, there is life worth living on the other side of this man. I promise. From death to life, though, there is an incredible war. Stay focused on winning the war, you will lose many battles. So this may sound like very extreme language for some, and the name I use for this blog. Let me explain why I’m not being extreme, dramatic or exaggerating.
They take a spoon and spoonful by spoonful they take your life. One day you wake up and there is nothing left of you; you are empty.
Lifeless.  A Dead Shell of a Person.
My abuser even suggested suicide on several occasions. I was worth over 200,000 dollars dead. He would be the pitiful widower with a nice size allowance for a while.  They thrive on being the victim. He even wrote a “novel” where his first wife committed suicide. He talked about it with me in great detail and often. I have to admit, I was in such misery I did think about it at times.
I wish I could tell you that a divorce brings freedom from a sociopath. It brings a degree of freedom, but not complete. I have been officially divorced for seven months and have not spoken to him, without a witness, for over two years. Two weeks ago he filed a false report with social services saying I was abusing our 8 year old son. He had planted a memory. They are masterful at creating memories and distorting reality. Of course it went nowhere, but something like that always brings doubt on the victim. This days before he announced he is moving back to Canada. Coincidental? Probably not.  That was the line in the sand for me. I started writing this blog shortly after.
Abusers often try to manipulate the "system" by:
  • Threatening to call Child Protective Services or the Department of Human Resources and making actual reports that his partner neglects or abuses the children.
  • Changing lawyers and delaying court hearings to increase his partner's financial hardship.
  • Telling everyone (friends, family, police, etc.) that she is "crazy" and making things up.
  • Using the threat of prosecution to get her to return to him.
  • Telling police she hit him, too.
  • Giving false information about the criminal justice system to confuse his partner or prevent her from acting on her own behalf.
  • Using children as leverage to get and control his victim.

1 comment:

  1. It's all so unbelievable. The depths sociopaths will sink to win at all costs. I am so sorry for anyone that has encountered a sociopath.
    I found myself alone with 3 children away from family & without friends because my husband had manipulated things as such. I thank God everyday that my family supported me through the transition. I've instituted no contact but fear daily that he will try something new. Our divorce proceedings are just beginning. Wish me luck!


Thank you for your comment. Positive feedback and helping those that have experienced the same tragedies are what keeps me going.