Saturday, April 14, 2012

Until death do us part: I wish my story were over

I don’t understand this, though; writings from victims of sociopaths all say the same thing: they cannot and will not move on. They could remarry, have other children, move to another country and still…..they remain fanatical about a relationship long gone. They behave and talk in a way that appears the relationship continues. Peter talks about me to my son, daughters, and our legal liaisons as though we are interacting in the same way we did two years ago. He assumes and predicts my actions as if I were the same person I was while living with him. The problem is he does it with such tenacity and persuasiveness it takes years for people, new to our story, to see through his manipulative ways. Peter really should have nothing to say about me; there is very little the same about me. He ignores me unless he wants something, then he will not relent until I respond. We do not interact with the same people and as I’ve talked about in previous posts, and will elaborate on in the future, my older daughters do not communicate with me at all. Yet he “knows” me. I asked my 8 year old son if dad and his sisters say things about me that he knows isn’t true. He smiled, wondering how I knew that, and said yes. I asked him if it was confusing because he is the only person in our family that knows me, they don’t interact with me, yet talk about me constantly. He thinks it is confusing all of the time. He does not understand, and has expressed to everyone involved in our divorce case, why “everyone” hates me. How is this healthy to promote hate and anger? I will ask my daughters this someday: how has it helped you to be filled with so much hate and anger?
With that in mind, I try to remain in a positive state, believing things will turn out okay in the end. I am also human and today I am angry. Today I received an email from our new parent coordinators. This position is court ordered and is an attempt to keep us out of the court system. We have two because I have asked to not ever be in a therapeutic situation with Peter. I can’t put myself in a position where he can have any influence over me (and I hate to admit: I am still scared of him); I need time to process, alone, communication from him so that I don’t fall into any old patterns inculcated over two decades. There can be no back and forth with him; there is no negotiating, only complete submission on my part. I will not, if possible, put myself in a submissive position with him again. Peter threatened to make a formal complaint to the American Psychological Association against our former parent coordinator, who dared to cross him. She quit of course. So here we are again…two women taken in by his charm. He has moved to Canada and by doing so he has given up his rights for 50/50 time share, unless he would like to come back for his time. There are a completely different set of rules when custody becomes international. Even so, they told me today that it was “risky” for me to prevent 50/50 time share. It is risky for me to let him go. It is against the law for him to go unless I agree. He is the one who has left and abandoned time share, but he seems to be able to operate above rules and orders. He will not respond to a simple request to have my son’s field trip shirt or his Cub Scout uniform; he simply turns off his phone when my son is in his care, yet I am supposed to feel comfortable sending him to another country for an entire summer? Am I wrong in wondering if he would come back? I am angry because I can’t get away. Every time I open my email I have a few seconds of panic, every time my phone rings….I wonder will this be the day my son is taken away from me? It is scary to be married to a sociopath and it is scary to leave one…

3 comments:

  1. Thank you for your blog. I have been addicted to reading it for the past few days. I know someone going through an all too similar situation. Not nearly as terrible, but I fear what it could turn into.

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  2. I cry as I read your story. I fear everyday, is this the day he will somehow get a hold of my 16yr old again. One good thing is that my middle daughter is still living here with us..and although she is abusive with me at times or questions me as though she is my spouce or my parent..she totally does NOT like my husband from whom i am separated since dec 19 2012, the night my 16yr old, who was 15 at the time saw him trying to take picture of her in the bathtub. He still txts me and yes, if i dont respond then he financially threatens me. And then I become stressed and then with the girls not complying with any form of structure i try and create ..i just end up lossing it, and i do end up looking like the crazy one in the end, but that is because i am in the twighlight zone nighmare where no one is listening. He continuously divides and conquers us...i feel stuck as well. Regarding the part where you said he is in Canada now. I live in Canada and well an incident occured with my youngest one's biological father where he was only to take her for overnight and they decided to accuse me of sexually molesting her (she was 2.5yrs old at the time) because she had a slight rash on her bumb. I was potty training her at the time...I lived in Ontario and he lived in Quebec. And because the got children's aid involved the cops hands were tied so i couldnt call it a kidnapping even. Luckily, she had been having a strange on and off cough and had been taking her to our doctor almost once per week and he totally knew I wasnt like that. I ended up having to get an emergency court order in ontario, then go to a quebec court get them to sign the oreder of returning my child, then go to the police and i pleaded and pleaded for them to assist me. At the end I told them 'Listen, I have been doing everything legally up until now for a week, and if you dont help me i will start doing things illegally and i will have every right because i will have lost my fucking mind'. Sorry about the language..but that is what i said. If i were you, i would not let my son go with him in an other country. He could easily decide to (if he has the funds) move to another country while your son is with him..who knows. It took me a whole week to get my daughter back in the province right beside me, never mind another country. I dont know if your son likes his father but, if you really want to get away..go to a shelter with your son. The women who run facilities are wonderful there..change your number. Im on a waiting list for subsidized housing, because he has also financially ruined me. I meditate alot. I will keep you in my heart and mind.

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  3. Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. And I am sorry to hear of your story as well. People do not understand about the children turning on a mother without thinking there is something wrong with her. We have to stick together so our voices are heard.

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Thank you for your comment. Positive feedback and helping those that have experienced the same tragedies are what keeps me going.