Thursday, September 6, 2012

I Wish My Story Were Over: My Daughters


If you don’t write with tears in your eyes….I can only think of them for a little while and then I have to change my thoughts before I start to feel very deep emotional loss. My daughters….they are gone. My oldest remains openly and publically hostile toward me doing what she can to turn my son against me; she influenced my second daughter’s turn against me. I’ve had to mourn the loss of them being in my life.

I remember carrying them for nine months. I can still feel them kicking and growing. A mother’s body changes so much in pregnancy. It’s the great equalizer having children, an experience where no woman goes untouched. Nine months of attaching to another human being. I chose a natural birth with each of them so I could experience the natural feeling of bringing life into the world. I have felt everything. I have loved them and given them my 20s and 30s. They were always primary in my mind. I worked, provided and took risks I never would have without them. I gave up opportunities that are no longer an option for me…I gave them my youth. At age 19 I chose to carry my daughter. I launched into immediate and intense responsibility, not able to lean on my sociopath. I know I chose this and chose him to have children with. I can’t believe I did. Today she is a successful opera singer and I would love to proudly share in her success. My second daughter was born when I was 23. I again gave her everything I could. I nursed her and provided. She was an incredibly talented ballerina with all of the natural attributes required to dance at a professional level. To see her dance took my breath away. Her father encouraged her to quit. My heart breaks. My son does not understand why they will not talk to me; he says their reasons don’t make sense.

I have finally taken all of their pictures down and try not to think or feel the intense void. When I tell people that I haven’t spoken to my oldest daughter in over two years and the last time I tried to hug my middle child she dialed 911, leaving, her then seven year old, brother hysterical, they respond “they’ll come around..” I tell people now, “I don’t like to talk about them.”

I don’t foresee a relationship with them for a very long time, if ever.  Here’s why:

Peter is so masterful at twisting and turning reality to such a degree, and with so many lies, I can’t anticipate, much less counter, what has been or being said.

My girls will no longer even accept gifts from me (upcoming blog: Christmas Eve), their last words delivered in screams and now, with the latest email exchange with Peter, I understand the latest “reason” they are not in relationship with me. Knowing the Waltons, the parental alienation is just as intense and likely intensifying to keep the façade going; as more time passes the obvious question from the public might be “so if she were a terrible mother what is she doing now to promote such an extreme response?” It will have to always be my fault and so normal situations will have to be turned into chaos to generate new hypotheses about estrangement from their mother. I have decided the best way to explain this phenomenon is to share the exact language and irrationality I live with. If Peter choses to continue send me belittling, demeaning and judgmental communications then he is providing the text for my book directly.

Here is Peter’s email, with edits of names only, that I received days ago. This is the result of me taking a week-long vacation. I gave him the right of first refusal, which means that he has the first option to take our son. He declined so I gave him the itinerary of Warren’s care one month prior to the trip. If I were wrong about him being a sociopath this would stop.

Blog Author,

You haven't left very much time for a response to your unilateral decision to leave Warren for a week. You communicated this to me by email in the middle of the night, probably as you prepared to fly out this morning - perhaps you are in the air now. This is not full disclosure. Warren benefits from knowing that both his parents know what is going on. He will be aware of the fact that I was in the dark on this plan. All that was communicated to me was that you would be gone over Labour Day weekend. I reported back that I would unfortunately be unable to leave Toronto due to two looming by-elections. What prevented you from being completely transparent about your plan? Will you put your own comfort aside for Warren's sake? Perhaps you agreed with my suggestion a few weeks back that it would be in Warren's best interest for you to not go on the trip at all.  

Did you assume I wouldn't want to be part of planning for his week, had I known you were leaving? I do. I would like Warren to spend the weekend with his Uncle Ben Walton and Aunt Mary Ellen Walton. What prevented you from suggesting this from the beginning? Isn't this clearly in Warren's best interest? Please inform Susan and David that Ben would be delighted to pick up Warren at their place on Friday evening, say 6pm, and return him on Sunday at 6pm. Warren wants to have contact with his cousins. It doesn't make sense to deprive him of the opportunity to interact with his family, especially considering they live a mere five-minute drive from you.  

……financial paragraph taken out….[I had taken him back to court because I’m still paying child support and of course he is more than willing to take the money]…

As you launch into another vacation, I hope you will pause to consider these matters for Warren's sake.

Thank-you, Peter

I responded with the already provided detailed itinerary, again, explaining Warren is busy and I needed to make arrangements so he knew what was going on. I had waited for Peter’s response, made arrangements and notified him. I had even offered for him to stay at Uncle Ben and Aunt Mary Ellen’s for part of the break, but did not hear back from Peter until I was already gone. I had also indicated that I would have limited cell phone coverage making it even more imperative that everything was set before I left. I don’t know what exactly makes him more obsessive: it could be that I took him to court the Friday before to stop paying him child support or the fact that I am vacationing with someone new. There isn’t any way of knowing, but now at the end of my trip he has called me more than he has in over two years. We don’t talk by phone.

Blog Author,

Your statement: "I cannot wait until the last minute" is confusing. I'm suggesting you have indeed waited until the last minute to inform me on planning this week-long vacation, and it is not in Warren's best interest. I didn't even imply it was an obligation for you to have Warren interact with Ben and Mary Ellen, cousin and cousin. I was suggesting it is in Warren's best interest to do so. I am asking you to consider that blocking him from interacting with his family is not in his best interest. I am asking you to consider Warren, and not yourself, and your comfort level. He has clearly expressed to me a desire to interact with my brother and his cousins. I'm not sure how yet another accusation, this one against my father, helps Warren in this case. Will you please stop targeting seemingly anyone associated with me and focus on Warren's well being? Here, you freely target my father without considering what he means to Warren. Have you considered the energy my father has poured into building a relationship with Warren. Warren clearly loves my dad. 

Warren loves his sisters as well, and they truly love and value him. It is entirely inappropriate for your personal and inexplicable vendettas to prevent Warren from freely developing relationships with both his sisters. They are beautiful young women of character. Don't you agree more not less needs to be done by you to promote these relationships along with Warren's relationships with my brother's family? Targeting your own daughters to attempt to mask your gross dereliction as a mother is becoming increasingly difficult, I'm sure. At some point you may need to face reality. I can understand your reticence to do so. I would ask again that you consider Warren's relationships to me, to his sisters, and to his extended family. Warren's dental visits and medical visits are certainly important. I appreciate you taking care of those responsibilities. What I am addressing here is a different matter, Warren's emotional well being.       

Regarding this weekend, it is not too late. All that you need to do is let the Susan and David know that my brother will pop by to pick up Warren for the weekend. Will you make that one call and get back to me to confirm. Warren would much rather spend the weekend with his family than with an older couple.

[Financial paragraph taken out] 

Thank-you, Peter

After a few more of these and the phone calls I did not take, I implored the parent coordinators to have Peter stop badgering me during a much needed and planned escape from the world of computers (I spend close to 60 hours on a computer every week). He did not.

What becomes clearer to me as time passes, away from Peter, is the misery he must live in, all the time, blaming anyone near. The incredible and interesting life there is to live on the other side of a sociopath is undeniable. I look forward to blogging about my vacation and the cast of characters I spent a week with. Though I will admit, with even them, and during my vacation, I could not stop talking about my daughters and how I miss them…always with tears in my eyes…

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Thank you for your comment. Positive feedback and helping those that have experienced the same tragedies are what keeps me going.