Sunday, November 4, 2012

I Wish my Story were Over: Happy Birthday to Me

I haven’t been able to continue writing “From the Beginning” or “My Worst Fears” because I continue to be verbally abused.  What I am going to do may seem too detailed, but with my goal being to expose these monsters so hidden among us, I think it’s best to simply cut and paste emails I have received in the last two days. What Peter has written is the equivalent of 6 single spaced pages.  It’s painful to read what he writes, but I think all the while that I will gladly absorb this in hopes that a victim of a sociopath will identify and feel a little less alone in their battle to maintain sanity. 
These words come after he has been ordered to pay child support (and of course hasn’t) and me revealing I’m taking Warren to see the new man in my life, Jason. I was going to post a series of emails about the holidays, but before I could I was being bombarded.
It ended with an email from my attorney, who I finally called:
Peter, At this point you have zero credibility with the court. This fact is readily apparent. You lost at trial on every single point. Plus no parent who has the concerns you alleged in the past or allege at this time would have moved away to another country and left their child here. So, I would suggest that you stop your threats and accept that you no longer control Samantha's every move.

This is how it started.  I wrote the following email on Thursday 11/1:
Peter,
This is to inform you that Warren and I will be traveling to Norfolk, VA next week. Jason is having emergency surgery so we will leave right after my Wednesday class 11/7 and arrive at The Naval Amphibious Base, Little Creek by 2am 11/8. We will return home Saturday 11/10. I have already spoken to Warren’s principal and teacher about Warren missing school and it is perfectly fine (I didn’t have time to complete an educational enhancement request). He is allowed 10 absences for purposes like this. 

Before being bombarded by criticisms, I would like to add that Warren will get to meet many men serving actively in Special Forces, see several bases and watch current operation training. The principal thought this to be an excellent opportunity for Warren. Additionally, Jason (and his boys) will be part of Warren’s immediate family soon; he is important to us and it is important that we are there at this time.

His response was on my birthday; that makes 23 birthdays ruined. Sociopaths take from their victims so holidays, birthdays and any special day is met with some sort of chaos or intentional sabotage.

Samantha,
Once again, you are dictating Warren’s agenda without even a hint of dialogue with me.
I do not in any way agree with you taking Warren out of the state and out of the
established two-hour driving radius we agreed on nearly two years ago now. The clear
way forward here is for Warren to remain with Ben and Mary Ellen [Peter’s brother] and attend school each day of your absence….I only have time to lay out bullets, but I will be happy to clarify anything that remains unclear here.
· Warren has missed nearly 20% of his school year thus far. Half of his absences
are unexcused. You wrote that you don’t have time to complete an educational
enhancement request. Why not? If you did have conversations with Warren’s
principal and teacher I’m not at all certain I agree with your take away from the
conversations. Both Ben and Mary Ellen are teachers. They interact with many
teachers. A 20% absentee record is a concern. Warren needs to remain in school,
not miss at least two more school days (It could be more days because you have a
tendency to distort the actual length of your trips. Recall in August when you
informed me Wednesday morning at 1am of your departure that morning. I was
told you would be gone only for Labour Day weekend. Then you refused to
consider Ben making a five minute trip to pick up Warren so he could spend
time with them. You told me to stop “harassing” you while you were
“vacationing”.
· I am not at all convinced Warren’s education will be enhanced on a trip of this
nature. When you had Skype sessions with Warren from Alaska this summer you
were highly intoxicated.

 [My Skype sessions were at noon and 4pm AK time and I was working]

 It was clearly visible and it was obvious based on what you were saying and how you were saying it (I’m not confusing this with the static that exists over long distance Skype sessions). You do not need to involve Warren in your heavy drinking with Jason, who also has a drinking problem. You wrote that both you and Warren need to be with Jason during this time of his surgery. This is not true. You can’t airbrush people in and out of a
child’s family. Jason is important to you at this time. Warren’s relationship to
Jason is not your relationship to Jason. Warren doesn’t need to be present for
whatever is going on in Virginia (You claim this is emergency surgery. The
surgery is presumably a week away and 3,000 miles from Jason’s current
residence). If Jason is having a surgery, then go to Virginia and leave
Warren to take care of Warren’s business. Warren needs stability. Why do you
not take advantage of the stability that Ben and Mary Ellen can offer you, and on a
regular basis? They live five minutes from your residence.
· When I exercised my prerogative in the spring, as part of the findings of the court,
to have you establish the Skype breathalyser testing…. Do you remain unwilling to comply with the order?

[Of course this is untrue, I would go to jail if in contempt of court. This is only an attempt to have any sort of control].

· Warren doesn’t travel particularly well. What you are describing is a trip into the
middle of the night on Thursday morning, after a long day Wednesday. Then you
are suggesting coming back on Saturday. This is a difficult trip. What is your plan
if Warren begins to vomit as a result of motion sickness at around 11pm on route
to Virginia? He could alternatively be asleep in a comfortable bed in his own
room at Ben and Mary Ellen’s home, and be ready for school Thursday morning.
· Despite your attempts to create a narrative of a well put together family of five—
you, Jason, Jason’s two sons and Warren—you are doing so despite the bald
facts. Both you and Jason suffer from alcohol dependency….. Warren and I have an
unbreakable bond that you seem intend on disrupting.

[In the first psychological exam at the beginning of the divorce, it was determined that Peter had no bond with Warren despite being a stay at home dad. Sociopaths cannot bond with other humans; they are empty shells. It is a never ending treadmill of trying to form a connection. I believe this is, in part, my daughter’s unrelenting support of Peter; they are focused on trying to form a connection that is impossible. I will talk more about the inability to form an intimate bond and feelings being a mirror of others not genuine].

Maybe there is a better trajectory. Your relationship to Jason doesn’t have to include the illusion of a neatly put together family life. A rocket scientist is not necessarily a good parent; it’s not an intelligence thing. Parenting is ultimately about nurturing bonds, it’s
about relationship…I do have a degree of social intelligence. I know my children and can effectively help them navigate their way forward. A desire on your part to carve
me out of Warren’s life and transplant a false narrative does not benefit Warren.
· I don’t know what is really going on here Samantha, but consider Warren. Confirm
that Warren will go to Ben and Mary Ellen’s for the entire time you are gone. He
doesn’t need to be part of whatever is going on in Virginia. He won’t tell you that
he would prefer the stability of remaining at home with a family that cares
deeply for him. He wants to please his mother and preserve a semblance of
stability.
· Do you remember the driveway scene toward the end of Sherrybaby

This last sentence was meant to be the most hurtful and disparaging remark. Sherrybaby is a movie about a heroine addict that can’t take care of her daughter, in the end acknowledges this and asks for help. Peter implies with this statement that I need the help of his brother in raising my son because he is not here.
My response is an attempt to defend myself for the copied parent coordinator’s benefit and not Peter. Nothing I say or do affects Peter. The therapist Peter used to substantiate the mental illness allegations, initially, in the divorce proceedings, resulting in a full family psychological evaluation, has recently lost a law suit. He has severe sanctions for 3 years including weekly supervision about boundary issues.  This is his second law suit for the same reasons and I have been advised that I also could submit a complaint. I mention this to show that the only issue he now has is alcohol abuse. This is what he will focus on until he finds something else. School is an important monitoring tool in custody cases so he will use that as well. Thankfully, Warren is well above average in math and scores very well on standardized testing.  I home schooled my oldest daughter at this age and teach at the graduate level so I believe Warren is well taken care of academically.
Samantha,

We share joint custody of Warren. I am reporting to you plainly that I do not agree to Warren leaving the established two-hour driving radius to Virginia as you have planned. If you choose to go to Virginia for a reported emergency surgery this is your prerogative. Fortunately we have a wonderful alternative available in Ben and Mary Ellen, and Warren will not have to be present while Jason undergoes an emergency surgery. Certainly you will want to be available to Jason and not touring military sites.

Warren has already been taken out of school for what you have considered educational enhancement opportunities.  Warren needs to remain in school and maintain a consistent schedule.

This driving schedule is not appropriate for Warren.

The reemergence of your claim of molestation is telling. How quickly you will move to destroy people. Have you lost all sense of healthy shame?

[Yes, Warren was molested during the year-long divorce proceedings by his Walton cousin. There were pictures on a flip phone and a psychological evaluation revealed that he had received unwanted touching. I will blog about this in “My Worst Fears.”]

You didn't respond to my request to honour the Skype breathalyzer testing ordered by the court. Will you agree to honour my request? I am in no way obfuscating here. I believe fully that alcohol is a real issue in your relationship to Jason. You are actually arguing that specialized-even highly specialized-military personnel are immune from alcohol dependency? This would defy the available research, and I would have thought you would be well aware of this reality as a public health professional. Public health professionals too struggle with alcohol dependency. The suggestion that you can't find high performing people and alcoholism together is absurd.

You and Jason are free to drink yourselves into oblivion, but not with my son present. Warren needs to have the security of a home free of a dependent parent. Certainly you know children will mold behavior around this dynamic to protect a sense of stability. The conspiratorial atmosphere in your home is unnerving. The sudden announcement of this trip is unnerving.

You do agree, I hope, that it was clearly established in the court proceedings that you suffer from alcohol dependency.

[It was found that I abused alcohol while in an abusive relationship. I am no longer in an abusive relationship, but in a loving, committed and healthy relationship].

You don't suddenly move beyond dependency. This trip has emerged out of nowhere. It has been presented as if it is a forgone conclusion. I am saying I do not support the trip in any way and I have legitimate concerns over my son's wellbeing.  Again, Warren is first here. I am asking you to stop running behind your protective veil of accusation and slander. The onus is on you here. You understand the cycle of dependency, the distortions, obfuscations, twists.

I was surprised by what you wrote about grades and attendance. Apart from the myriad research that links school attendance with academic performance, I am also interested in the school functioning as a stabilizing force in Warren's life. Daily routine, daily attendance.

Warren needs to remain with Ben and Mary Ellen. Please provide the pickup details to me so I may then communicate them to Ben and Mary Ellen. I will make sure they have arranged for Warren. If you take Warrren out of our established two-hour radius I consider you to be in violation of our agreement, and at that point I am doubly concerned from a safety/security perspective. I would then act accordingly.  

[A call to my attorney and my response below, again for the benefit of the copied parent coordinator]

Peter,

Here is evidence to dispute your beliefs/claims: Warren and I are up at 6am M-F, I am at work every day by 7:50am, on Saturday I attend exercise classes, on Sundays we attend church. I have never been so successful at work, publishing more papers and presenting more research in the last year than ever before, been promoted again and have been asked to develop another class (easily documented); I flourish away from my former misery.  

Jason and I have all necessary documentation ready to go if you plan to move forward.

I chose to discontinue this dialogue, which is unproductive. I will be happy to answer any logistical questions and won’t respond to any more disparaging remarks/statements. I will send a land line number as soon as I arrive in VA with Warren.

And then my attorney ended it. The real issue is Jason and me and Warren interacting with him. My relationship is out of Peter’s control and this will cause him to act in impulsive, unproductive ways, ultimately hurting himself. It didn’t even occur to me to use social networking or blogging until Peter called social services. I attribute that idea to an active spiritual life; it has been an incredibly validating experience. I hope you see, in this post, that his obsession has not lessened in almost 2.5 years of being apart.  
Last evening I received an email at 10:36pm asking that Warren spend the day with Ben and Mary Ellen. YOU=16.

2 comments:

  1. I feel like crying as I read some of these. It's as if you've been living my life, and you have the words to explain it as I can't. His tone, his condescension, the false accusations, the embellishment, the false concern..... And I've been trying to get the divorce since July of 2010.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm sorry, that is such a long time. Has the judge seen him for who he is yet? It's a terrible way to live, in such limbo. I'm sorry...and it doesn't end after.

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Thank you for your comment. Positive feedback and helping those that have experienced the same tragedies are what keeps me going.