Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Life On the Other Side

After days of emails (pages long), I am exhausted and a little depressed. I had to leave work early yesterday and just got into bed, and today, I had too much to do so I closed my door and slept for an hour. My job requires quite a lot of concentration and focus. I was so tired, distracted and irritable I couldn't accomplish anything.

I can hardly believe I've wasted so much time affected by someone so sick. I could, if I let myself, sit and cry over so much circular negative energy....waste...of my life. I can't believe I didn't see it earlier and I can't believe I tolerated so much. I can't believe I let my daughters see my mistreatment and disrespect day after day. He offered me emptiness and shame. He did not enhance my life at all. Why didn't I think I could get away and make it on my own? Why didn't I just do it? Now I am stuck for 9 more years, dealing with destructive and damaging words, condescension, lies, distortions...stuck...with a sociopath.

Part of the healing process, I learned through court ordered DBT, is radical acceptance of where I am. Of course I am exhausted: his words are meant to tear me down, get a reaction, get me to slip up. Of course I am depressed: he's taken so much, I've lost my daughters, I fear losing my son, I anticipate what's coming next, I am a single mother providing and I need to get my work done, his words are lies and I can't get to rationality or truth.

So how do I get out of this? How do I even move with my unavoidable reality of reading and living with sheer wickedness?

 I bend down and pick up a disgusting napkin that isn't mine because why should the cleaning lady have to do it? I take the vomit soaked rug in my car (my son gets car sick) and find a bag to put it in and put it in my trunk instead of leaving it at the side of the road. I work on two things today instead of ten and tell myself it's okay over and over. I buy my son a cookie cake for school and take it in to school even though I'm exhausted and depressed and it's hard to get out of bed. I reach out to the community I've created. I breathe deeply and look at the light out of my window. I remember I'm not a prisoner in my home; his words are only words and I am not living with him. I continue to change my thoughts in order to detach my soul from negative messages imbedded deeply. And I remember that I have a note a dear friend wrote for me 9 years ago:

Samantha,
When you come to mind, I saw white. Blow in the breeze, linen white. Pure fresh white as clean sheets and think white towels white. In fact, I could smell the whiteness--fresh air, grass, linen, sunshine all mixed into the white. Purity of purpose, clarity of sight, a true and clear heart. So white that the sky and grass look bright green and true blue against it. A summer day.  

I didn't accept those words at the time because I lived with a wicked man trying to crush my spirit and blacken my soul; I thought I was a disgusting and horrible person. I am slowly accepting that I am not what I was told I was and continue to be told I am. I will chose to do good, smile even though I don't feel like it, take one minute at a time, take deep breaths, remember I have someone who truly loves me just as I am, slowly get my work done and hug my son. I'll feel better again soon....he won't win....

1 comment:

  1. It is the little things that fill me with joy, like remembering you’re not a prisoner in your home any more.
    You can make decisions every day, that used to seem so impossible from the stress of what if he didn't like it, or what if you got the silent treatment of disapproval..
    No more of his what if's. Keep shining.
    And what a lovely Note - white.
    Keep the dark away.

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for your comment. Positive feedback and helping those that have experienced the same tragedies are what keeps me going.