Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Anonymous Responses, cont...

I need to add to "the signs while dating" in my last post because I forgot probably the most important signs: anger and disrespect for females.
1)      While we dated Peter was known for fighting. His senior picture revealed a black eye from a fight the previous night. He was quick to get that angry. He didn’t get angry at me until after we were married, but while we dated he was an overall angry person. There was a picture hanging over a hole in the wall in the Walton home, which is a great example of how his parents handled him. They overlooked EVERYTHING. Peter and his brothers did whatever they wanted; their parenting style was that they would figure it out in the end. After we were married and had our first daughter (we were both still in college) Peter chose to play intramural hockey. I was standing at the sidelines with my daughter in my arms and Peter began to disagree with a friend on the opposing team. Soon Peter was beating him and he was much smaller than Peter. Several people had to calm him down and he was banned from intramurals. We always had holes in walls etc. in our homes. Peter also mistreated animals at a very young age. I’m not going to talk about what he told me he did to pets. We knew each other as children and Peter had a reputation, as young as preteen, of being dangerous, mysterious and a bully.
2)      Peter disrespected his mother. He talked to her in a demeaning and belittling way. None of the Walton men respected her, they thought she was dumb and interrupted her, embarrassed, when she tried to join in the conversation at the dinner table.
C:I am overwhelmed by your response!  Overwhelmed!  I am coming to the realization that the boyfriend in high school was a sociopath!  OMG!  I knew he was controlling, I knew that he made my friend circle super small even forcing me to choose between my best friend and him, he was violent (but I would say, he doesn't hit me just walls, flipping over his sister's swing set).  OMG!  I just can't believe it! 
When I went through counseling a few years ago, my therapist said that he was abusive and I said no.  Still after all these years and having a great guy like Sean I still didn't think so.  She argued and said he was and I should thank God that he dumped me.  He did the dump me, take me back, get a new girlfriend, take me back, etc.  Wow! 
At a wedding a few years ago my aunt was commenting on how wonderful Sean is to me and for me.  She said, "Remember Ben? I always thought he was so controlling and wasn't right for you".  She was one of my favorite aunts and never said anything because she didn't say unkind things about people but she knew!!  This is all connecting right now for me!  Thank you!!
D: I by no means am a trained professional.  I also can't be sure that this person is a sociopath but there is definitely something wrong with the person I am thinking about.  I think that "he" in this circumstance you explained believes that it is reality!  I think that it starts as a lie in his head but he works it over and over in his mind until it becomes reality.  He also gets others to believe his reality further confirming this lie, in his mind.  It's so frustrating!  It's like talking to a brick wall!!  LIke I said, I'm not sure he is a sociopath but he is definitely narcissistic and has some sort of mental illness.
I was wondering, and maybe you will address this in your blog, did Peter have affairs (I think you said he did).  If yes, did he stalk and abuse his other ladies?  Also why do your girls believe what he says is true?  As a woman, how can they tolerate their mother being abused?  Just some questions I have had as I've read along with your blog.  I appreciate so much what you have shared!
Me: I always knew narcissism ran in the Walton family, but it wasn't until I wanted out that I realized it was way beyond that. In your case, what you're looking for is being a victim all the time, no ability to empathize and being miserable. Yes, a brick wall, they cannot hear anything especially anything negative about themselves.
Yes, Peter, father Walton throughout, Jack many, an Uncle long term and throughout…
My girls...it's the biggest heartbreak. The Waltons all distort anything I try. If I don't talk to them, I’m neglecting them, if I do, I'm harassing them...Peter, and all of them, have made me out to be such an awful person and that's the only messages they are hearing, they both seem fairly isolated still and they aren't hearing my voice at all. For instance, in parenting your husband might say "listen to your mother, or don't talk to you mother that way," in my case if I tried to discipline he would say nothing or "we all know your mother doesn't know what she's doing so you go ahead (much like how his mother was treated by his father),” or outright make fun of me and laugh together. He also talked about “my mental illness” all the time with them. So over time they didn't think much of me at all. The oldest surprises me because she and I were always very close; the middle Peter continues to have an inappropriate relationship with...it's very hard to not be able to do anything about it. They grew up with this man and he presented as the calm, together parent, with all the answers, and they don't know differently. Just like me when we started to date. I think it will take them crossing him and him treating them like he did me. Until then Warren and I pray for them and talk about them. It's sad for him because he misses them and doesn't understand why they hate me so much. He says they will never love me.
E: I am currently divorcing and trying to co-parent with a sociopath. I supported him for the past 3 years while he refused to get a job and I still did all the things at home that a stay at home mom would even though he was there all day. Then when I finally filed for divorce he tried to portray me as mentally unstable, an alcoholic and him as an involved stay at home dad. Luckily both my girls and the judge so through him. Thanks for your post and keep reaching for the light, I promise its there!
Me: I have often wondered what he did all day? Have you figured it out? I have suspected watching television....
Do you have any suggestions about "co-parenting?" I'm so happy to hear your girls saw through him. At least I haven't lost my son. In emails responding to my blog I find it's about half and half in regard to custody; a lot of sad stories about losing small children and adult children. I hope he will move on every day. If not for my son, I would never speak to him again.
E: Co-parenting with a sociopath is kind of an ironic term. Our family therapist suggested I read the Sociopath Next Door and Without Conscience just to get a better understanding of what I am dealing with. It is a careful dance for sure. I just make sure the kids are ok and have a cell phone so they can call me anytime when he starts acting crazy and I have to log every detail of mine and his interactions incase we have to go back to court. He already has a new victim (i mean girlfriend) so that has taken some of the focus off harassing me. I just have to resign myself to the fact that the cost of leaving him is having to deal with his games for the next 8 years or until the girls finally have had enough and tell him they don't want to see him anymore--which could very well happen. Maybe I will write a book when I finally get it figured out!

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Thank you for your comment. Positive feedback and helping those that have experienced the same tragedies are what keeps me going.