Friday, December 7, 2012

Anonymous Responses

I will start to post some responses to my question yesterday. I’ll post a few at a time. If you didn’t get an email response from me please continue to check my blog, I may have responded in the blog (or added with more time to think) and not by email. I’ll also post some older comments so that those reading and identifying may find further validation. Also I was thinking… those of you that have also lost children through a sociopath’s systematic, manipulative parent alienation could take this blog (and other similar blog authors) and use us, as a united voice, to validate your story with your older children. I hope maybe, together, we will be stronger and louder so the people that unintentionally wreck our lives, and our children’s lives, because they believe a sociopath, will finally hear the real victims.
[Dear Daughters, who I miss so much, if I were not telling the truth why would so many people find their way to my blog and find hope, understanding and validation? Why would our stories be so similar if they weren’t true? I could not make these stories up.]
Thank you for your comments; they have meant so much.
A: A friend pointed me in the direction of your blog today and I just wanted to tell you...thank you.
I am sitting here in tears as I read the things you are writing...because you are writing about MY life experiences. I truly can relate to every single thing you have written so far...and this is the first time in my life that I have heard from someone else who has to deal with it. It brings me to a place of huge anxiety (I too have diagnosed PTSD...) but also is a huge comfort to know that I'm not alone.
I really just wanted to thank you for sharing your story and your struggles...because nobody else seems to get it. I'm just supposed to get over it and not let it affect me in their eyes. It's a constant battle. We have a son together. And we have joint custody...sort of...just enough to give him zero responsibility and all of the control he wants to have over my life.
Me: It is very scary dealing with these people...VERY!! You have made my day and encourage me to continue what I'm doing. I want to provide support for people like us in so many ways..I wish I could do this full time. There are so many of us and so afraid to talk, and maybe embarrassed, if we can even figure out what is going on...
A: A few years ago I had a "nervous breakdown" of sorts. I started therapy, was out of work for several months while trying out several different medications. The psychiatrist I saw (not my counselor) told me I had PTSD and severe depressive and anxiety disorder. The PTSD was a result of many things...childhood and forward. I apparently fit a profile of a victim quite well...which I hate and I am trying hard to change. And of course, my ex likes to throw that entire experience in my face whenever he can. I'm not on any medications now but still battle the anxiety and depression constantly. I have Tourette Syndrome too...which only complicates my situation. There are days when I would probably not get out of bed if it were not for my son.
Me: I have a theory that sociopaths seek us out. There is so little information out there, don't you think? And with all of our stories so similar you would think there would be by now...
I'm thinking of starting an on-line support group; as soon as I have some time...
A: There is almost no information out there. And nobody is willing to point their fingers and call someone a sociopath, but they are everywhere. I have huge trust issues with people now, and mostly do not trust myself to be a stronger, wiser person "next time." Hence, I have not had any serious relationships since our breakup...which is going on over 5 years now! I would rather be alone than in a relationship where I am vulnerable again. And I see myself still the way he wanted me to see myself. I hate that he still controls my life in that way. It is a slooowww process. I'm getting there. And I'm not unhappy by any means...I try to find joy in what I have right now...my health and my career and my son. I have much to be thankful for.
Me: We do have a lot to be thankful for! A good friend of mine is still trying to get away and has been for years. He is a pastor and the entire community is against her.
Well said "I see myself still the way he wanted me to see myself" very well said. What a battle to change our self image!!! I fight it every day.
I have thankfully found someone, and after him telling me hundreds of times "I am not your X husand" and continually affirming me, I am taking the risk to love and trust. Night and day difference between relationships, to say the very least.
B: Maybe this is something to write about, I don't know....But how do I protect my two daughters from marrying someone like Peter?  Did you parents see him as a "good Christian boy"?  A "pastor's son" so he must be amazing!  How will I recognize the signs of my girls dating someone like that?  How do I approach them about it?
Just thoughts I was having today.  :)   I almost ended up with a person like this too.  Thankfully he broke up with me for something better!  Otherwise I would have followed his abusive ass around for years!
Me: Firstly, you and your husband seem to be on the same team so you'll be united in seeing and dealing with any issues. Stick together and parent together :) I've heard that from professionals. And if the boy is too good to be true, he most likely is.
There was much less out there when I was 15 and met Peter and he and his family were good at pretending!! I have to give my family a big break because I was relentless in my defense of Peter and he was too good to be true. He wasn't true at all; he was veneer.
My parents, brothers, sisters-in-laws are heartbroken and angry that they were also taken in by Peter from the beginning. They didn’t see it at the time because we protect them, defend them and are always trying to help them. There are signs from the very beginning that are subtle but there.
1)      They are unusually attentive and aware of everything you do. They want to be with you as much as possible and begin to become involved in what you are involved in ( I will blog about my college experience with Peter and how he maneuvered his way into all aspects of my life). This may seen flattering, but its control.
2)      Extremely Jealous when you spend time with other people, same sex or opposite. Again, this may seem flattering, but its control. And yet they talk about attributes of the opposite sex and almost make you chase after perfection. They will give you just enough compliments to keep you around, but keep you unsettled at the same time. As teenagers this physical insecurity is a particularly sensitive area. They cheat on you from the very beginning. Whatever they can get away with. Also, to keep you on edge they flippantly break up with you, and devestate you, and then just when you've moved on, they are back.
3)      Your circle of friends starts to shrink and keeps shrinking the longer you date. *I think this is the biggest red flag*
4)      They try to lock you down with some sort of formal commitment. For example: marriage, pregnancy, geography (a move). My oldest daughter started dating a sociopath and he was talking marriage (and his family) in her junior year in high school. Also he would constantly comment on actresses. One night he “playfully” tripped her and then laughed…She is no longer with him, thankfully. Trying to get her away from him was probably the worst we ever fought as mother and daughter (I made a lot of mistakes).
5)      They highlight any family problems, mental illness or physical illness and make themselves “your healer,” “protector,” “get you away from problems.”
6)      They seem to have a private agenda, a drama, that makes them needy.
7)      Start to tell you what to wear or to cut your hair/grow it out, I think to see how far they can go..

2 comments:

  1. Item 3)
    "Your circle of friends starts to shrink and keeps shrinking the longer you date. *I think this is the biggest red flag*."

    Wow did these words ring true for me.

    A red flag I never did see. The red tsunami that enveloped my life for years was more like it.

    I failed to notice years ago how my circle of friends began to get smaller, smaller, smaller, until the point that my friends were nonexistent. It was friends that he wanted to remain with; friends he wanted to be with. If I didn't want to go he went by himself and/or took the kids with him. What a class act.

    It was only after I removed myself from the evil did I realize there was a ominous strangle hold had been applied to my life, my friends, my mind, and even my soul.

    It has taken years not to have the words, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," be the leading words of any conversation.

    It has taken years to learn that I can't fix his brokenness.

    It has taken years to learn that I am not alone.

    It has taken years to learn that I count, I matter, and most importantly, I have a voice.

    It has taken years to realize that my voice will no longer be silent.

    Wrong is wrong.

    Bad is bad.

    Evil is evil.

    I will stand for right, I will stand against wrong. I will make a difference.


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    Replies
    1. Patricia,

      I could not have articulated better. People say that sociopaths don't shoe remorse, but that is totally false. The don't FEEL remorse but they cry crocodile tears and beg for second chances and say "I'm sorry," if you even get close to sniffing out the truth. My former stepson has perfected this technique which he learned from my ex. I'm amazed how many young girls in town continue to fall for it.

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Thank you for your comment. Positive feedback and helping those that have experienced the same tragedies are what keeps me going.