Thursday, December 13, 2012

Lost Children

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            When people, after hearing my daughters don't speak to me (if they don't judge me), flippantly say, "Oh your daughters will be back, it will just take some time," I know they mean well, but it doesn't help.  They may never come back; I may never speak to them again. Why would that be a sure thing? As it is right now, they've seen my beaten face, seen me mistreated by their father, even stated that they will not be with a man that treats them like their dad treated me. They saw he was not affectionate, loving or romantic, rarely worked, didn't show emotion other than anger once and a while, and lived with a 28 year old for 3 months while I was pregnant with a fourth child. And...he has still convinced them to have nothing to do with me. He convinced me to not only stay with him, but provide for him. I allowed him to live a life of luxury without even kindness toward me. They saw this and have accepted that I am 100% in the wrong and he is 100% the victim. They are unnaturally, intensely angry with me...there is no talking...no reasoning...no understanding..no rationality no communication at all. Why not just a lunch so it's not like a death? Why not? What is it that prevents this?

      We cannot understand the mind of a sociopath and their influence because we cannot imagine manipulating our own flesh and blood (or anyone), to the point of damaging thier well-being; just to hurt someone who "rejected them." It's simply not healthy for a child, of any age to be completely cut off from a parent. I recieved work information today about trends to get children out of foster care and back into their homes and with their parents citing research that this is the best for them. Yet these heartless individuals decide to do anything they can to keep children away from the other parent. To fight it is to reach into a dark void and come back with nothing because there is no appealing to empathy; no common ground. And, I am not alone in these devastating realizations...far from it...      
      F: One thought on what to look for in relationships, in trying to avoid the same pain for our children, is spotting the DRAMA. There will always be relationship drama EARLY in those boyfriends(or girlfriends). The fights are gut wrenching for the healthier of the two and common for the sick one. That's a part of controlling everything from situations... to emotions... to timing but healthy people don't recognize it; just like someone speaking a completely foreign language can be saying something really awful and we don't even have a concept of the content...so the abuser 'speaks' that foreign language of control and the non-controlling one doesn't 'hear' what's really being said/done.
      About the issue of being separated from our children, by the abuser, is a tough one for me. It just hit me last night that I have now been separated from my oldest child's life almost as long as I was allowed to be her mother. Typing these words still cuts through my heart. My chest is hurting as I sit here. She is celebrating her 26 birthday on the 12th of this Christmas month but moved out of my house when she was 14 and into the toxic home of my ex and his alcoholic then-wife #2. It's almost too much to bear. I really don't know if I have the answers....still. The children of these unions seem to be a toss up. The more children of that relationship; the more likely at least one will believe the lies. Is is genetic? Could it be that child is more like the abuser? Will they ever come to some understanding of both sides. When we look at the horrible truth that the abuser never seems to 'get it' we then have to look at the gut wrenching possibility that our very flesh and blood child=that we adore and would die for- may never get it either. I am now 12 years into this almost total alienation from my firstborn daughter's life. As a married adult, she has somehow shut out this entire part of her family, baby sister, grandparents and even full sister at times. I don't get it and maybe never will. I have to pray for her and love her from a distance.

2 comments:

  1. I not being able to pull away from him (think of the tactics despots have used in Africa) ans I have accepted that the damage will likely be permanent. I live with that every day.

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  2. My post got cut. Here it is:
    I am 3 yrs almost to the day of not speaking to my youngest son, who like your firstborn chose the spath over me. I was fortunate that my youngest daughter and I believe to this day, "his prize" was smart enough to see him for what he was and strong enough to walk away. But she spent 14 yrs as his sex toy and object of torture which she endured in silence. When she turned 18 she said to him, "you'll never touch me again" to which he responded, that he thought when she reached the age where she could choose she would come to him willingly and live as his lover - so delusional that he believed his rape and abuse constituted a love affair. Most days I choose not to think of my son, other days it cuts me down and I weep as if the wound is brand new. I know that his use of opiates while he was abusing them while they were very young has definitely played a role in the sons not being able to pull away from him (think of the tactics despots have used in Africa) and I have accepted that the damage will likely be permanent. I live with that every day.

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Thank you for your comment. Positive feedback and helping those that have experienced the same tragedies are what keeps me going.