Friday, February 28, 2014

The Sociopath: Mrs. Walton

I met Peter when I was 15 years old. We divorced when I was 40 so I grew up with the Walton family. John Walton was in an administrative position in the church and traveled a great deal throughout Peter's youth. John's approach to parenting was to be absent as much as possible and when home give as little as possible. Peter was basically fatherless. John's job required moving about every two years and Peter being painfully introverted did not make friends easily. Peter was isolated. In his teenage years, Peter would sleep with a radio right next to his head; he would play it loudly and rock his own head to sleep. He needed to feel something even if it was only a vibration from the music and his face touching the pillow....side to side. Peter was neglected. I have always felt sad for child Peter and young man Peter. 

Elaine,  growing up in a highly religious home herself with many siblings, was not raised with affection and did not provide a nurturing environment in John's absence. Peter recalls Elaine being constantly afflicted by migraine headaches and spending days in bed. I believe she was depressed being married to an unloving man and raising three boys on her own. She appeared to me to be in misery, barely smiling, getting through her days. She was not educated and had no other prospects other than the position she had been charmed into. Her in-laws had reminded her often that she was not their first choice; there had been a more sophisticated woman...a better match for their John. They were downright cruel to her and her husband and sons offered nothing but disrespect and condescension. [She passed this legacy on to me letting me know, directly and indirectly, I had ruined her son's life and did not measure up to the Walton standard]. The Walton home was and is unloving, cold, empty, unsafe, temporary, but with the appearance of classic perfection. The men within are the most insecure men I have ever known with an insatiable need for validation from women.

Peter should not have graduated from high school. He had failed too many classes. John being highly attractive, charming and influential in the community, had convinced the guidance counselor to let him walk. She did. Peter did what he wanted to, without fear of consequence. Peter pushed the edge of the envelope and learned he could do whatever he wanted without consequence. Peter and I had gone to the same summer camp as children and he had a reputation of being the "bad boy." Peter maintained that reputation, in fact his older brother would use him as "the muscle" and Peter was known for his fighting prowess. Peter had a beaten face for his senior pictures. Peter was a violent person and engaged in fighting even after marriage and the birth of his daughter. He had such a short fuse, it was embarrassing. Peter did not have boundaries or parameters as boys need. It was easy to connect the dots to the performances in family court.

Elaine has played her part without wavering. She defends her husband and sons without the presence of her own thoughts. I've seen the pain of her captivity behind her eyes, but that is the expectation, to lay on the floor face-down in full submission, with no perspective other than theirs, so that they may climb up on your back to reach just a little higher. They have not realized that empowering and cherishing a woman leads to the greatest support and partnership. Elaine will never know this....... Elaine sees my daughters whenever she likes; the daughters she never had are by her side. I live with a heartbreaking void...I don't want them to see me in chains flat on my face...I am free Elaine and I will wait....when they come back to my open arms..... they will see the best I have ever been.

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Thank you for your comment. Positive feedback and helping those that have experienced the same tragedies are what keeps me going.