Thursday, March 20, 2014

Living with PTSD

I have several blogs about ready to post, but I am compelled to write spontaneously. I research violent deaths. I have done this for over 13 years now and a reason my daughters find "my abuse" hard to believe. You see they think if I was exposed to the scientific side of this issue for so long then I would've seen what was happening and ended things long before I did. Unfortunately, though I excelled in my career, I maintained a naiveté in my personal life I am embarrassed to articulate. Really up to my current age, I have been down right unenlightened, even betraying myself for the sake of Pollyanna.

I live with the after affects of being abused by isolation. Like a victim being thrown back into a "normal" existence while feeling like an alien, I too, can revert back to my abusive state and, nearly in a literal fetal position, go into my own mind and live there. It's not depression, it's close to catatonic (which interestingly falls under PTSD in the DSM), but a slightly different consequential psychological affect and nothing I've read about. I learned to live for over two decades in my own mind. I had no way of genuine exposure while with Peter. I learned to go inside and be comfortable only there. While in this warped state of mind I can only be engaged for a few hours a day. I have been here for over a week now.

On the flip side, I am healing from PTSD from my 24 year relationship with a sociopath. So what triggered me? 

I....am....feeling....everything....everything.....and some of it hurts...a lot....I'm not feeling with anger, I am feeling with sadness.

I have read narratives of violence for my whole career and it has been a distant story, like a TV show or movie, just numbers, and I've been criticized for this, for being callous in presentations. I am working on a three part series with the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention on child homicide deaths in our nation. Today, I cried. Tears ran down my face.... for mostly the 2nd and 3rd and 4th children that were killed, generally by their parents. What horror to watch and wait without the adult knowledge to act. The setting them on fire and the sexual assaults...real stories. Story after story. I don't feel good, I feel unsettled, I feel lonely, I have isolated myself, but what did they feel? Maybe by allowing myself to be in this state, I can tell their stories in a way that will be an honor to their short lives. Those dear little people, who died because their parents became consumed with emotion beyond their capabilities. I believe they each had a guardian angel that covered them with their wings as they passed out of this world. This world that can be so terrible.

I have learned something. I am dealing with these triggers as I once was conditioned, but tomorrow I will spend more time engaged and the next day a little more. I can re-train my mind. I will learn to see and process pain without reverting back to the safe inward world I have created. God bless me as I step out from under rose colored glasses and see the world as it is...even when it hurts so much my body trembles.

2 comments:

  1. I think you must be a wonderfully strong woman. To be able to write and post to the world your fears, limitations, and feelings is a sign of true strength. My family is related to your husband...his grandfather was my dad's brother. We are cousins, of a sort. I hope some day you will be able to enjoy your life to the fullest, and get completely away from sociopathic abuse. Stay strong, believe in yourself. As your children become adults, they will begin to make their own judgements. I believe in you. I believe in the power of love and intelligence, which you have in large quantity. I am glad those dear little souls had you to learn about them, to know their tragedy, and to cry over them. I think perhaps YOU are the guardian angel you wrote about.

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  2. I love your words. I am holding them close. Interesting I was just working with my therapist about being a coward. I have parts in my book copy I have not posted, in fact, the most vulnerable. I believe it is my calling to send this book out into the world, but it is really scary to be so vulnerable. Sometimes after I post, I am so affected because it was so genuine and raw, I have to go right to bed and get covered. Thank you for reaching out x0

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Thank you for your comment. Positive feedback and helping those that have experienced the same tragedies are what keeps me going.