I spent 20 years married to a sociopath. No matter how long I am divorced he keeps finding ways to disrupt my life. The twists, turns and distortions of reality are borderline indescribable. I know what it is like to live with and deal with a monster. Here is my story.
Monday, June 9, 2014
Entitlement to Love
: the condition of having a right to have, do, or get something : the feeling or belief that you deserve to be given something (such as special privileges)
: a type of financial help provided by the government for members of a particular group (1)
I will never understand the depths of entitlement of Jo and Peter. They feel not only entitled to anything Jason and I have ever earned, whether it be monetary or professionally, but their perpetual, persistent and obsessive drive to control and disrupt our lives in any way makes me physically ill at times. It has been years now and though their attacks ebb and flow, when the flows come, they come with even greater strength now. My logical mind cannot understand this increasing intensity. Isn't time supposed to heal something or other? Why will these death grips not release? Have they not taken beyond their share yet? Will their hands ever tire of reaching and grabbing at us; their mouths from wagging and lying? Will they ever stop hurting their children to hurt us? We are adults and have the tools and resources to confront attacks, but the children suffer...they suffer so much. They cannot even process who to trust, what to say, how to act. Jason and I have come to realize one of the worst things you can do to a child, in a divorce, is to say anything negative about their other parent. It takes their sense of safety and security. When Jason picked up his boys for summer break, they slept for most of the first 36 hours. Jason says they appeared to be exhausted, likely from the months of alienation from him and seemed to be content to just be with him. They obviously have been told everything about his case and mine, without filter, and filled with untruth, which they are somehow compelled to perpetuate. As Peter did and does with my daughters. Unjust, unfair, overwhelming, why won't this stop?..... It doesn't help to try and figure things out, talk about it, think about it, think about what's coming next. Around and around in my mind....I need to step back and take note of what's happening, realize I am still learning how to handle all of this with grace, living in the moment each day. All we have is this moment. Jason encourages the boys to simply find their own truth. He has taken them to our camp. We believe this the perfect place to heal their broken hearts, feel the love of our family, understand the logic of their father and without interruption or electronic distraction. The couple we are purchasing the land from will be there at times and they will be a fantastic influence on these boys. They are grounded, loving, understanding of our difficult situation and have unending grace and kindness....Christ-like. Their correspondences with Jason and I often bring tears to our eyes. I took Warren to the beach over the weekend. I had forgotten my sun screen so I asked the people closest if I could borrow theirs and we struck up a conversation. As often happens, discussions turned toward my blog/book. The lovely woman was surprisingly in the middle of a nearly identical situation as mine; even worse. She has a 7 year old son she's been fighting for for years. Her and her best friend bookmarked this blog and intended to read everything. She expressed gratefulness that I had been open in our conversation...."She didn't feel so alone anymore." By choosing to be in the moment I experienced a connection with strangers, which was a source of encouragement both ways. I am grateful for all the comments, conversations and emails over the years. My heart goes out to those who have shared their stories. From all of these connections, I continue to find the courage to share my truth, with vulnerability, and stop acting like a victim by turning to the greater community with my story. After sharing some recent events, her friend turned to me and said, "this sounds like a movie." It feels like one sometimes. Jason and I continue to love each other with a deep and unconditional love, keep our hearts open to all of our children, focused squarely on our callings. I will continue to strive for finding love and grace in these most difficult times, though I stumble into anger at times, it feels so much better this way.....I have so much to be thankful for....