Wednesday, April 29, 2015

"Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has plenty; not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some." Charles Dickens

Since I posted messages there has not been one hour that someone was not reading this blog. I had a record 896 hits yesterday. Thank you for your support; you cannot imagine how validating this process has been and how my soul has healed. Thank you for all of the very kind messages and emails!
Monday I was at a coroner's office collecting reports; something I've done annually for over a decade. The deputies kept commenting on how happy and relaxed I looked and kept asking if I was leaving soon. You see I was always rushing, rushing to get home, to pick up from school, take to ballet, voice lessons, doctor's appointments. My life was taking care of everyone, I couldn't even just do my job in peace. I had to rush to accomplish my job responsibilities. I had to rush to go to the restroom. (People have always made fun of me for walking so fast, but I was always on a deadline to be somewhere). I would typically be in a sweat in the file room trying to get everything done in a four hour window with three hours of drive time and hundreds of cases to abstract. Monday, I joked and talked with the deputies and coroner and copied the first quarter neatly and orderly. Driving home Jason reminded me about Warren's baseball practice so I met them there. He encouraged me to go to gym for a run and he'd stay for the rest of the practice. As I showered I realized I was not rushing.

I have been responsible for children since I was 19 years old; I'm 44 now. Before the divorce there was no Yoga for me, no unhurried talks with anyone...from the work place, the gym, anywhere, there were no manicures or pedicures, salon hair cuts, constant multi-tasking, guilty feelings when I wasn't earning money or with my children. Even in the months I was a "stay at home mom," I was looking for part time work to make ends meet.

I never considered that I needed to take care of myself to be a better person and mother. Of course I was a high strung person; of course I seemed crazy to probably a lot of people. In spite of this I always maintained employment, always sought desperately to increase my pay knowing I would be the only parent responsible for the finances, nearly always working two or three jobs, went into a field where the job opportunities were the best and not necessarily what I wanted to do, went to school a total of 25 years and raised three children (the second to age 16). During the divorce my therapist asked me why I was the one to take the girls to ballet and voice lessons, etc if Peter was unemployed and then underemployed. I didn't know, I just did it. During the divorce Peter was only working a few hours at a job I had secured for him as a "trailing spouse" as they needed my qualification for accreditation; he had none. So of course he had time to cover me in motions and spend hours in court. I on the other hand was reprimanded at my main job for working too much at another university to cover all the bills, attorney fees (as much as possible) and child support. At our trial the Judge said that I was exhausted and therefore gave me my full retirement. He encouraged me to rent rooms in my house as I could not sell at that point without losing money so that I could quit my extra jobs and just work one.

It was a wonderful feeling to take my time getting ready and coming home to warm greetings, knowing Warren was well cared for, exactly where he wanted to be and with the person he wanted to be with. Jason had gotten Warren ready for baseball, had him lie down before practice, made sure he had a snack and a water bottle for practice, had him in a uniform. When I got home they were building a fire, laughing and talking for our many pets, having snacks waiting for me for dinner (yes they eat all the time because they work and play outside all the time :)).

This may seem simple, but it is peaceful having a partner in parenting and having the great luxury of taking my time.

Above is a picture I took on our property while on a trail ride last weekend...peace, quiet and slow gentle living.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Thank you for your comment. Positive feedback and helping those that have experienced the same tragedies are what keeps me going.