Saturday, January 23, 2016

But there will always be those who judge us from where we parted, not looking for where we are in the distance.


 
Where I am and who I am is the totality of where I've been and who I was. Those in my past do not know me though, I am not there anymore. But there will always be those who judge me from where we parted, not looking for where I am in the distance.
My life is so different than what I knew before Jason that if feels like I’m living an entirely different life. Where before I knew despair, emptiness, loneliness, helplessness, hopelessness, self-loathing, now I know intimacy so deep it heals me from my core. I never knew I could love and be loved so completely. Jason is the most psychologically strong person I’ve ever known, the most accepting, patient, warm and uncomplaining. To a point though, once you cross the line and the switch is flipped, there is no going back with him. Other team guys I’ve met have the same personality traits so it’s either that “type” is drawn to the SEALS or the teams create these personality traits. I’ve watched and learned from him; by the way he lives; wondering how he is so positive, joyful, grateful and so present focused, even under foul circumstances where us “normal” folks would cave into a pity party. He attributes it to “not being shot at in that moment and no life threatening issues, so what’s problem?”  
I believe a truly loving relationship is when both bring out the best in each other. Here are some life lessons Jason brings out in me:  1) I can live with much less 2) live in each moment and experience my surroundings 3) the problem can be fixed just slow down and figure it out, and, most importantly and difficult to accomplish, 4) don’t think about or talk about people or situations that don’t make me feel good and especially if I can’t do anything about it.
After the holidays Jason went on a Wounded Warrior trip and Warren and I were left to keep up the ranch. One night, out for dinner, I asked Warren how the holidays were and how he felt about not having “dad Canada” or his sisters in his life, especially during the holidays. He said “they don’t make me feel good so I don’t think about them. When I do I change my thought.” He then looked at me as if to say “mom, we can talk about this if YOU need to, but I’d rather talk about today.” He then proceeded to talk about his school teachers and his science fair project (that happened to win, with his own very unique idea about friction fires). Warren has learned lesson #4 at age 12 and what a powerful skill; to train one’s own mind to deal with enormous grief. He’s also learned #3 as I watch him do odd jobs around the house (i.e. hanging curtain rods), getting frustrated, overcoming the frustration, solving the problem and finishing. It’s remarkable to observe his development under the fathering of Jason.

So when I’m slapped in the face with yet another “Walton intrusion” I’m at first surprised they even consider me; I certainly don’t any of them. This blog is the only place where I re-visit the past or speak to it. So now here’s where I go back and remember and realize that where I left them on the path is where they remain. They’ve camped out, huddled together, hashing out all the evils that have been done to them by all the evil people….I have to go back very far to find them….. I remember sitting in the living room discussing whatever the current drama to ad nauseam. It didn't matter if children were crying because of the stress or daily events were missed or dismissed, what mattered was keeping the family focused on the enemy at hand. They won’t know exactly what the trigger was that sent me back this time, but they should know by now that every time they do, I have a renewed motivation to finish this book. It’s very difficult to go back to a life that seems nothing more or less than a nightmare so I actually appreciate being called back to my important life’s work.

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Thank you for your comment. Positive feedback and helping those that have experienced the same tragedies are what keeps me going.