Thursday, December 29, 2016

Regret...What an Awful Feeling....

When you meet the love of your life at age 38 and 39 and have spent decades with the mistake of your life, there is unfortunately going to be regret. Our regret is children. If we had met earlier we would have wanted as many as we could've have created...6...7...And it's interesting that many of his team guy counterparts that found the right one, the first time around, have large families.

We obviously have an enormous love for each other (or it would not have survived what was hurled at us), stir in biology and chemistry that is out of this world, and the desire to procreate becomes overwhelming.  One of my marriage mantras is "My love, the husband part is great most of the time, the fatherhood part is great all of the time." Jason simply has fatherhood down. And other children seem to be drawn to him. Our very special, special needs, niece pushes family members aside to get to Uncle Jason and climbs up on his lap wanting him to rub her head. It's a beautiful scene to take in. Every time he sits down it's not long before an animal is on his lap often three or four. When he works around the property the pack follows him everywhere. His message from God to start a camp for middle school aged boys from fatherless homes did not come out of nowhere. The saying goes, animals and children can sense a good person. Jason is a good man.

Jason's strong desire for children, with me, came before my desire. I never dreamed of starting over; it was going to be travel and exciting trips with my boys and more and more freedom to pursue my goals as Warren became more independent. I mean come on...I've been caring for children since age 19. Nonetheless my desire came and has been unrelenting for the last three years.

Jason stayed in his marriage out of Jo's threat to take the children from him (after five years, which is interesting because I had started to want out of mine at the five year mark and stayed also because of children). He stayed in the loveless and hostile union until he couldn't take it any longer; he did however make a decision in 2003 when he separated and was threatened back. Jo wanted another child; Jason had a vasectomy to ensure she did not trick him into just that.

Surgeries....blood tests...physical exams...and ultimately IVF.

Here is our story of a journey through infertility and why I have not blogged for six months.

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Thank you for your comment. Positive feedback and helping those that have experienced the same tragedies are what keeps me going.