Sunday, April 30, 2017

Free Preview of my Book

 "I Married a Sociopath: Taken to the Edge of Insanity, My Survival Unexpected" by Sabrina Brown.

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Sunday, April 16, 2017

I Choose to Stop Devaluing Myself

The few days following the launch of my book were excruciating. I had exposed myself so publicly that all I wanted to do was stay in bed and keep covered. People in my life knew pieces of my trauma—the child abuse but not later abuse...domestic violence but not the child abuse…my struggles in court and with Steven’s family and his ex but not child abuse or domestic violence…or nothing at all if they only knew me professionally—no one in my life knew all of it except my husband Steven. After about two days I received the first text and it was from my mother. Her being an English teacher, my concerns with her reading it were twofold.  Was it well written in her eyes? And chapter one.… It was painful for her to read, but she found it brutally honest, said I actually showed restraint and kindness, and provided help for others who are struggling. And then she told me she loved me eternally. We have had some very meaningful conversations since.

I’ve gotten quite a lot of feedback since my book release and a lot of questions. Some adults and friends from my childhood are not only shocked, but a little angry they didn’t see anything. I did tell a teacher in high school (I actually wrote a paper about my child abuse) and he did nothing so my perspective was that no one believed me and being so ashamed, I didn’t say anything again. My roommates from college were texting me at the same time, as they read the book, and told me they missed me too after I left. My friend "Cassie" said that I was an amazing writer; the story was sad yet I have risen from the ashes and am stronger each day. And colleagues, that share they are reading my book, just hug me and some have said that it is emotionally draining to read. All feedback has been positive and there has not been any judgments, yet, at least to my face. 

I'm also getting a lot of stories about victims leaving, stories of child abuse and domestic violence and questions about how a person can help other family members and/or friends get out of an abusive relationship.

The number one question I’m getting is if writing and releasing my book was cathartic. At first I was offended by this and asked myself why I was so offended. Well, because I had to live it, writing it was painful and releasing it was even more painful. So, no, it has just been a really painful--and rigorous--process and I need to live in the pain of it for however long I need to until I’m ready to turn in the other direction of it being helpful in any way to my healing….

And then yesterday it hit me. Yes, in one area, it is becoming cathartic: I choose to stop devaluing my needs and giving without question. I am not going to let people inflict trauma on me; whether it be in response to an “unnatural or misunderstood” triggering event or simply the way they treat me. They are gone from my life until they figure it out and start treating me with respect. I also realize it's not my place to help them figure it out if they are choosing to analyze and judge me with misinformation--and not coming to me directly. And if it’s seen as an overreaction or paranoia, so be it. I “need” the trauma to stop so that I can heal. I need a break.


--I have made my book KindleUnlimited so it's free if you have that membership with Amazon

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Dear Waltons, Please Stop Hurting my Son

I was recently checking my son's phone and social media accounts and accidentally came across some very devastating messages. 

Warren opened a social networking account in order to talk to some of his friends at school and baseball. 

I cannot believe this happened but....

My middle daughter and Jack and Jill's youngest son they had together, targeted Warren. They bullied him, harassed him, blamed him, were horribly cruel and hateful. They made comments like, "you traitor." He didn't tell me, though he said he became very depressed about it, because he wanted to protect me (yes, my heart hurts).

Waltons, all of you, it is time to back off of this little boy turned young man. He has suffered the most and he deserves peace and time to heal. Could you please stop disparaging me, and now him, to the point that your children are filled with such hate they attack an innocent. 

I am an author--a writer--I write about my life experiences and the more difficult, the more controversial, the more hateful the more I will write. 

It is time to stop this madness. I desperately want this story to END!

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Writing Chapter One--My Child Abuse Chapter

Chapter One. This is where my trauma started, this is what made me a victim, this is what brought shame into the essence of who I was and would make me vulnerable to a predator. I did not want to include a Chapter One. I was ashamed and embarrassed and I did not want anyone to know those events had really happened to me. 

I never dreamed I would include my night of torture--for some reason I was most ashamed about that night. My husband, Steven (Jason) was the one to convince me to include it. After many nights of dealing with me and PTSD, from that particular event, he said that it was a crucial piece to the puzzle of me; he knew it would be excruciatingly difficult to remember and write and he was willing to allow me the emotional and physical space to include that incident. He reminded me again and again that I didn't ask for it--it all happened to me and I had nothing to be ashamed of.

Over a period of six months, I wrote Chapter One. Periodically I would say to Steven that I was ready to "be in it" and to allow me to be alone; to stay up all night if needed. I would write an incomprehensible sentence, cry my eyes out, write another....go back the next day to interpret...days...weeks later write another...go back days later....

I wanted to write it from my child's eye and not through the filter of me as an adult with my life experience and knowledge--what did I think and feel then--as a child. Not too much, not too little, just right. To get back to that state I forced myself to live in the trauma..over and over..

Then to actually leave it in for publication and to release to the "world" was a whole other level of pain, bringing with it depression and anxiety. 

Putting Chapter One out to the "world" has been so hard. Just so hard.