Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Writing Chapter One--My Child Abuse Chapter

Chapter One. This is where my trauma started, this is what made me a victim, this is what brought shame into the essence of who I was and would make me vulnerable to a predator. I did not want to include a Chapter One. I was ashamed and embarrassed and I did not want anyone to know those events had really happened to me. 

I never dreamed I would include my night of torture--for some reason I was most ashamed about that night. My husband, Steven (Jason) was the one to convince me to include it. After many nights of dealing with me and PTSD, from that particular event, he said that it was a crucial piece to the puzzle of me; he knew it would be excruciatingly difficult to remember and write and he was willing to allow me the emotional and physical space to include that incident. He reminded me again and again that I didn't ask for it--it all happened to me and I had nothing to be ashamed of.

Over a period of six months, I wrote Chapter One. Periodically I would say to Steven that I was ready to "be in it" and to allow me to be alone; to stay up all night if needed. I would write an incomprehensible sentence, cry my eyes out, write another....go back the next day to interpret...days...weeks later write another...go back days later....

I wanted to write it from my child's eye and not through the filter of me as an adult with my life experience and knowledge--what did I think and feel then--as a child. Not too much, not too little, just right. To get back to that state I forced myself to live in the trauma..over and over..

Then to actually leave it in for publication and to release to the "world" was a whole other level of pain, bringing with it depression and anxiety. 

Putting Chapter One out to the "world" has been so hard. Just so hard. 

1 comment:

  1. Sabrina, I know what you are going through. I want to bury my past. Build up those walls, thicker than before. But your strength is giving me strength to go on. Thank you for writing your story and the courage to share it with the world.

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for your comment. Positive feedback and helping those that have experienced the same tragedies are what keeps me going.