Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Domestic Violence #3

The title of this post means that this is the third worst consistent form of abuse I suffered at the hands of my sociopath husband.
At about the 10 year mark in our marriage, when I dared to enter into any type of confrontation, especially about lack of employment, this is what would happen:
He would grab me and take me upstairs to the bedroom. He would get about 4 inches from my face and in a growl whisper he would begin. I knew to be silent, still and to look down in shame. "This is the type of treatment you deserve," you are disgusting," "you do not know how to be a wife." And after about three or more comments he would drag me to the ground and straddle me, he would put his forearm on my throat and lean in so he was once again inches from my face and looking into my eyes. Then he would begin again with this phrase that will echo in my brain for the rest of my life..."YOU WILL SUBMIT TO ME," this while I was pinned to the ground and having trouble breathing. "You make me sick," "you leave a terrible taste in my mouth when you open yours," "this is how you deserve to be treated all the time."Sometimes he would then drag me around the room by my feet knocking my upperbody into furniture or he would pick me up and pin me against the wall and continue. I am literally half his size and I would let him, all the while thinking I did deserve it and I needed to just take it.

Legal system
Jumping ahead to where I will be going with all of this. When divorce began and the courts determined this was a hostile situation, the children were assigned a Guardian Ad Litem to represent their best interest. She called me for an interview. I told her I was the victim of domestic violence and shared the story above along with others. I also showed her pictures of my face badly beaten. Not one time in a year and a half of litigation did she mention the abuse; she dismissed it completely. At every court appearance she suggested my now 8 year old son have less time with me and more time with his father (the abuser!). And she recommended hours of counseling and group work for me and required absolutely nothing of him. Not even an anger management class! I have learned that this is a common occurrence: the victim loses her children. I have a doctoral degree and at that time the sociopath was only employed in a position I helped him secure. He made less than 8 thousand a year. I was the professional and my word meant nothing. I was astonished.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012


After four years of dating we finally had sex. I was attending college in another state and it was during a holiday break (he was still in high school). We were 19. I got pregnant a short time later.  My two years in college away from him were the happiest years of my life until now.  I believe because of this, he "forgot" a condom.  There are other methods to prevent pregnancy... He had become increasingly uptight about my increasing independence.  Going back home was not an option, I left when I was a 17. My up bringing was less than desirable and I was not going back. I moved to his town, where his family lived and moved in with his parents until we married. We had a wedding where the guests toasted his parents more than us.
We then moved into an apartment almost across the street from his family. This was a highly religious community. I, figuratively, wore a scarlet A and was rarely spoken to. I had no friends. His mother consistently reminded me that I had ruined her son's life. My nickname behind my back, with his family, was "the seductress." I was right where he wanted me.

Who I Am

I married a sociopath and will live with the consequences for the rest of my life. I know what it is like to live with and deal with a monster.

I'd like to tell you my name and the details of my life but I cannot...I fear I will be sued or physically harmed. If you have been married to a sociopath you know that there is no peace and quiet and no matter how long you are divorced or have been separated, they will keep finding ways to disrupt your life.

 I am not boasting, you don't even know me. I tell you about my professional accomplishments so you know that a sociopath can persuade/charm a successful business minded woman into thinking that she is the cause of everything wrong with him and in his life. The twists, turns and distortions of reality are borderline indescribable.

I am a professor at a major University, which means I have my doctorate. I teach and research a subject matter where women rarely succeed. I have published over a dozen papers and teach graduate and doctoral students. I speak regularly at national conferences and am held in high regard within my professional community. At home I was treated like a child.

I have been utterly amazed, when I share even the littlest part of my story, how much women have suffered under the tyranny of sociopaths. It is extremely hard to get away so let me help if I can. I will tell you my story including my errors in the legal system and within the relationship. I hope this helps you.....

From the Beginning

I met Peter when I was 15 years old. It was at a summer camp. He was the best looking boy I had ever met, he was Canadian (which made him a little mysterious), seemed very classy and downright perfect. He and his two brothers were the talk of the camp and the most sought after boys in our small church community. Peter's dad was the pastor of the largest church in our denomination and the last name very well known. And there it is, the second red flag: religiosity.

I fell head over heals with Peter: The first boy I kissed. He was shy and happy to have me pursue him. Peter was very intense and very interested in everything I did.

I started to borrow clothes from my best friend to impress Peter and prepare for our visits. I was a "red neck" and he was from an "important" family so I needed to present a good and perfect front for him.

The Sociopath

When you hear sociopath or psychopath you might think about a serial killer or someone necessarily violent. That is one type, but I have found there is a more subtle and creeping type; one that is every bit as destructive, the victim dies a slower, less obvious, death.

I thought my husband was a narcissist, and over the 20 years of marriage I periodically looked for material about narcissism. The consistent message I heard was this: they never change, they cannot change, get away as soon as possible. When our divorce began and he showed himself to have no regard for the health and wellbeing of his own child, if his chosen actions hurt me, I realized I was dealing with someone without a conscious.

A sociopath can be characterized by a pervasive pattern of disregard for, or violation of, the rights of others. It is defined in different ways, but can involve a lack of empathy or remorse, false emotions, selfishness, grandiosity or deceptiveness; it can also involve impulsiveness, irritability, aggression, or inability to perceive danger and protect one's self (Wikipedia).