Sunday, April 16, 2017

I Choose to Stop Devaluing Myself

The few days following the launch of my book were excruciating. I had exposed myself so publicly that all I wanted to do was stay in bed and keep covered. People in my life knew pieces of my trauma—the child abuse but not later abuse...domestic violence but not the child abuse…my struggles in court and with Steven’s family and his ex but not child abuse or domestic violence…or nothing at all if they only knew me professionally—no one in my life knew all of it except my husband Steven. After about two days I received the first text and it was from my mother. Her being an English teacher, my concerns with her reading it were twofold.  Was it well written in her eyes? And chapter one.… It was painful for her to read, but she found it brutally honest, said I actually showed restraint and kindness, and provided help for others who are struggling. And then she told me she loved me eternally. We have had some very meaningful conversations since.

I’ve gotten quite a lot of feedback since my book release and a lot of questions. Some adults and friends from my childhood are not only shocked, but a little angry they didn’t see anything. I did tell a teacher in high school (I actually wrote a paper about my child abuse) and he did nothing so my perspective was that no one believed me and being so ashamed, I didn’t say anything again. My roommates from college were texting me at the same time, as they read the book, and told me they missed me too after I left. My friend "Cassie" said that I was an amazing writer; the story was sad yet I have risen from the ashes and am stronger each day. And colleagues, that share they are reading my book, just hug me and some have said that it is emotionally draining to read. All feedback has been positive and there has not been any judgments, yet, at least to my face. 

I'm also getting a lot of stories about victims leaving, stories of child abuse and domestic violence and questions about how a person can help other family members and/or friends get out of an abusive relationship.

The number one question I’m getting is if writing and releasing my book was cathartic. At first I was offended by this and asked myself why I was so offended. Well, because I had to live it, writing it was painful and releasing it was even more painful. So, no, it has just been a really painful--and rigorous--process and I need to live in the pain of it for however long I need to until I’m ready to turn in the other direction of it being helpful in any way to my healing….

And then yesterday it hit me. Yes, in one area, it is becoming cathartic: I choose to stop devaluing my needs and giving without question. I am not going to let people inflict trauma on me; whether it be in response to an “unnatural or misunderstood” triggering event or simply the way they treat me. They are gone from my life until they figure it out and start treating me with respect. I also realize it's not my place to help them figure it out if they are choosing to analyze and judge me with misinformation--and not coming to me directly. And if it’s seen as an overreaction or paranoia, so be it. I “need” the trauma to stop so that I can heal. I need a break.


--I have made my book KindleUnlimited so it's free if you have that membership with Amazon

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Dear Waltons, Please Stop Hurting my Son

I was recently checking my son's phone and social media accounts and accidentally came across some very devastating messages. 

Warren opened a social networking account in order to talk to some of his friends at school and baseball. 

I cannot believe this happened but....

My middle daughter and Jack and Jill's youngest son they had together, targeted Warren. They bullied him, harassed him, blamed him, were horribly cruel and hateful. They made comments like, "you traitor." He didn't tell me, though he said he became very depressed about it, because he wanted to protect me (yes, my heart hurts).

Waltons, all of you, it is time to back off of this little boy turned young man. He has suffered the most and he deserves peace and time to heal. Could you please stop disparaging me, and now him, to the point that your children are filled with such hate they attack an innocent. 

I am an author--a writer--I write about my life experiences and the more difficult, the more controversial, the more hateful the more I will write. 

It is time to stop this madness. I desperately want this story to END!

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Writing Chapter One--My Child Abuse Chapter

Chapter One. This is where my trauma started, this is what made me a victim, this is what brought shame into the essence of who I was and would make me vulnerable to a predator. I did not want to include a Chapter One. I was ashamed and embarrassed and I did not want anyone to know those events had really happened to me. 

I never dreamed I would include my night of torture--for some reason I was most ashamed about that night. My husband, Steven (Jason) was the one to convince me to include it. After many nights of dealing with me and PTSD, from that particular event, he said that it was a crucial piece to the puzzle of me; he knew it would be excruciatingly difficult to remember and write and he was willing to allow me the emotional and physical space to include that incident. He reminded me again and again that I didn't ask for it--it all happened to me and I had nothing to be ashamed of.

Over a period of six months, I wrote Chapter One. Periodically I would say to Steven that I was ready to "be in it" and to allow me to be alone; to stay up all night if needed. I would write an incomprehensible sentence, cry my eyes out, write another....go back the next day to interpret...days...weeks later write another...go back days later....

I wanted to write it from my child's eye and not through the filter of me as an adult with my life experience and knowledge--what did I think and feel then--as a child. Not too much, not too little, just right. To get back to that state I forced myself to live in the trauma..over and over..

Then to actually leave it in for publication and to release to the "world" was a whole other level of pain, bringing with it depression and anxiety. 

Putting Chapter One out to the "world" has been so hard. Just so hard. 

Thursday, March 30, 2017

First Book Review

Shockingly Honest and Brave
Based on a survivor’s real life experiences, interspersed with scholarly references and information about trauma, domestic violence, Parent Alienation Syndrome, and mental health illness. This book is filled with raw honesty, exposing the author’s most personal history. The ways in which she has coped are told in detail as she dealt with gas-lighting, manipulation, and unspeakable traumas.
As a sexual assault and domestic violence advocate and counselor, I have seen similarly unique situations played out time and again with clients. These topics are difficult to discuss in safe surroundings with solid support systems. The author’s choice to own her story and take back her life by exposing herself to the world is boldly courageous and no doubt terrifying. She shows strength and perseverance time and again in this gritty recounting of sexual, psychological and physical abuse.
Definitely worth your time to read!

Sunday, March 26, 2017

"Hot New Release" #2

Friday, March 24, 2017

This book is now available as a Kindle download for $0.99 and free with purchase of the soft copy

Amazon Kindle Version:

Thursday, March 23, 2017

"From the Author" in my Book

From the Author:
I started blogging in February of 2012. I made a decision to take my journaling on-line, making my story available to others, but under the protection of an alias.  Portions of this book come from “stand alone” posts from my blog. They may appear out of place amidst my story line, but I feel like the message within them is important enough to leave them as is. Posts at various time periods reveal my thoughts and feelings at that time, which may or may not be where or who I am today. By capturing emotions in “real time” I hope others can better relate to surviving the same sort of adversities. The events that I’ve chosen to document in this book are the ones that have been the most painful and/or had the greatest effect on me. Some events may seem trivial in comparison to others, but will come to fruition in book two and three—the seeds were planted within the timeline of this book.

The process from blog to book, under my real identity, has been agonizingly difficult—an unexpected internal struggle. It has taken five years to not only write my book, but to find the courage to uncover and claim myself. Fear has gotten in the way of so much and fear has kept me imprisoned. My transformation to living freely is manifesting, in part, with the publication of my story. 

It's Available on Amazon

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Book Launch....tomorrow?

I have uploaded the book on Create Space. I believe I can go live at about midnight tonight pending approval. It will be available at the Create Space store (and I encourage you to buy at that location), it will also be available through Amazon and as an e-book download to Kindle.

Sunday, March 19, 2017

I am Sabrina Brown and I Married a Sociopath.

I had hoped to launch my book tomorrow morning--on the spring equinox--because tomorrow the day and night are exactly equal. I believe this book will balance the scales of justice--things will become equal for me and for others.

I am finally ready to claim myself, and my story, and in doing so take back my power. My abusers no longer get to decide what parts of me they will exploit, and out of context. This is my story and in my own words. This is the good, the bad, the ugly and the darkest moments in my life. 

The book is getting a final edit and then I will upload it to my account and it will be available to you both as a hard copy version and electronic download. I will continue to update here on my blog. It should be out within the next few days.....

Saturday, March 4, 2017

From Blog to Book: I had no idea it would be THIS hard

When I dared to start this blog and posted for the first time--to turn my inward suffering outward--it was a liberating and validating experience. It was scary, don't get me wrong, and at first I feared being found out and sued by the parties I was writing about, but overall it helped me and I hope others.

Blogging is my on-line journal and at times I rant and rave and...generally get positive feedback immediately. The more vulnerable the post--the more the feedback. Writing a book is entirely different, though it's still me and still my life. 

When I compose a blog post it's one idea and/or one event. I focus on that, feeling any feelings in that moment, and try to express it in words the best I can. The book is my entire story, at that time, so it's everything at once. There are no more compartments in time--just one continual narrative.  I have, for months now, immersed myself in my own trauma and continually. I work, then come home and write and edit until I can't keep my eyes open (last weekend I worked about 32 hours on this book alone), fall asleep thinking about it wondering if I've misspoken or left an important piece out, gotten the timeline wrong, I have nightmares about traumatic events, then wake thinking about events and trauma...

I am feeling like I did with Peter most of the time, so I don't feel good. I've in some ways lost my newfound "happy." Some times I wake up thinking Peter is lying next to me and not Jason and I find myself in a full on panic attack. I have dreams that somehow Peter has taken me away from Jason and I'm with him again. I have trouble throughout the day thinking I'm still married to Peter; sometimes almost calling Jason Peter. And my daughters....a newfound grief is bubbling under the surface. I've been going through photo albums for the photo insert and remembering the happy, the sad and the abuse....the feelings so intense I am nearly always on the brink of tears. 

As I read through a section the other day, reading about events back to back and seeing a very prominent pattern emerge, I cried, I cried for me. For me as a little girl, for me as a young women doing the best she could, being slapped down figuratively and literally, only to pop back up and be slammed down again. I grieved for a lot of overall loss in my life. Just unnecessary loss and heartbreak.

All of this without feedback as with the blog. I go from feeling confident about my expression in book form to the next minute insecure that the book will fail--the suffering and soon to be exposure in vain.

On top of the emotional exhaustion of this project, it is just very rigorous writing a book. It is hard. It is hard work. 

None the less, it is coming out. I am coming out. I will expose myself out here first with my real identity... very soon. I'm taking one step at a time and seeing how it feels...

Friday, February 3, 2017

Finished with Book #1

I finished book #1 today and it's with my editor. About half of the book is new material. The book ends at our summer elopement so there is so much more to talk about...I hope you buy a copy. The launch is March 20th at 7am EST. It will be 99 cents on Ebooks for three days and then 14.95 after. The hard copy version will be available for 19.95 starting on March 20th.

It's been quite a journey. I'm exhausted.

Wednesday, January 4, 2017

Book Update

I spent a lot of my Christmas break finishing the book. There are three sections in the first: 1) my childhood and life with Peter, 2) the divorce process and 3) life with Jason. I have completed #1 and should have #2 done this weekend. Three I'll complete, I hope, the next weekend. I've been dragging my feet because it's a vulnerable thing putting out the details of your life story including the most embarrassing failures. But I'm ready now to face the haters and come out of the closet and I'm getting downright excited. I've added so much that I'm going to have a trilogy now. Depending on how long my editors take, I should publish in a couple of months! So, I've started talking about it in all my circles and have several businesses willing to do signings and retail my book, offers to help vlog, share in all of their circles....I'm grateful and hopeful....It seems a lot is coming into alignment already this year.