Friday, March 16, 2012

Financial Abuse

When dealing with a sociopath, there will always be financial abuse.

I started my master's degree at 29. My X husband already had two. We paid full tuition for his two degrees and had, at that time, almost 100,000 dollars in school debt. I needed to find a job that paid for my tuition to prevent further debt. My father, a former Marine, did not believe in carrying debt. He raised me to live below my means. I had expected to live like this in married life and assumed my financial concerns/expectations would be considered.

I found full time work and had my tuition covered. I took a 3rd shift position so I could complete my homework at work and be home to care for my daughters during the day. There were several of us working this shift for the very same reasons; we were all tired constantly and not living well. I slept on average 4-5 hours a day and my abuser did not hesitate to wake me when he needed something. Sleep deprivation is so detrimental to the brain; it was difficult staying focused to take classes. When I began to perform poorly on tests, I actually had my IQ tested to see if I had a problem. I scored in the top 1% of the population. You must be wondering why a smart women would stay with a man that had such little to offer. [I ask myself that question every day]….Because I could fix it. I just needed to work harder, get a degree to earn more money, and on the treadmill I hopped. And he would say and do just enough to give me hope of change.

A little while into my degree, we learned that we could take out school loans for living expenses. My abuser quit his job and we took out our first living expense loan; just to get us though while he looked for another job. Another 150,000 dollars later I completed my doctorate. He never did find that job. I received a full scholarship for my doctorate and an additional $500 per semester for books. I had to get permission from the graduate school every semester to be allowed to work full time and go to school full time. We absolutely did not need those loans. We were paying his school loans with my school loans and he was a spender. He would spend up to 300 dollars a week just on groceries. He did not think ahead; he needed to feel good in the moment. He really didn't care about debt or even filing bankruptcy. I got paid monthly so things would be tight by the end of the month. A common conversation would be that we had $100 until pay day so please only spend $50. He would spend $250 without hesitation. We bounced checks every month. I finally opened my own bank account. I managed all the money, bills, worried about our future, put out fires; quite frankly he did not want to be bothered with any work. We agreed that we would operate using only cash and I would give him cash every week for groceries. I forgot about the cash and was out of town, I gave him my pin number to get money out. After, he would take my debit card and not give it back. The cycle continued. I would get physically ill over our debt and the future ahead. The spending would not stop!

I make 100,000 dollars a year and am still not feeling the benefits. I currently pay him about $600 a month in child support. During the divorce I paid $1,200 per month, which is part of the reason he did not want anything finalized. He worked a part time job and brought in more money than me. I worked the equivalent of two full time jobs. Expenses during the divorce were split 70(me)/30(him). And together with my attorney fees, I paid over $70,000 and still owe about $12,000.  I am greatly burdened by my debt.


  1. I wish I knew who you were so I could talk to you......going through hell myself, and every woman I have met that is going thru a divorce that has a monster of an x or soon to be x, does not understand the aspects of financial abuse ..........I hope you are doing ok, I would like to see a light at the end of this long dark tunnel I am in.

  2. Please email at

  3. Thank you for your blog. Please check out my page I created to help raise awareness and hopefully find a way to escape this hell.

  4. I am looking at this site because I have been where you are. I am not sure other than the grace of God how I escaped paying him but he tried to milk me and it was truly a miracle that he was not able to get child support as he was trying hard. I think what saved me was that he did not get representation until the end.


Thank you for your comment. Positive feedback and helping those that have experienced the same tragedies are what keeps me going.