Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Anonymous Responses: Part III

G:  I read your blog last night. it is amazing, I have a neighbor is is going through much of the same. She has 2 young kids. What resources do you recommend?
H:  Your blog has captured my attention for sure.  I can relate to much of what you have experienced and find myself dealing with many of the same types of challenges.  Thanks for sharing your stories.  Sociopaths are very intelligent and manipulative, and certainly use any bit of information against their victims.  I learned that the hard way.  It's very easy to lose yourself in the midst of a sociopath.  In everything you read about a sociopath, I find it curious that your story is the first I can compare to where children were used to take sides with the sociopath.  That is something that should be documented as a typical behavior from a sociopath.  I have believed it is because that is truly their level of emotional maturity and they can easily manipulate children. I will keep reading.  I feel like for the first time, I am not alone.  Thank You!
I:  I have been married to my husband for twenty yrs. He is mean to our children and spends no time with our two boys. I went to see a psychologist and she told me after. Brief conversation about him what his problem was. I have heard of the word but never knew the definition
[ I find this interesting because Peter did not want a son, he wanted another daughter. I believe this is because of the “father/daughter relationship” and it being easier to manipulate daughters. It is known to any of us who are on the other side of our teenage years that there is a period of time where the relationship between a teenage girl and mother is strained and difficult. And to be with a man who was triangulating and putting me in the child role made my relationships nearly impossible. Peter took normal mother/teenage daughter issues and created an impossible wall to surmount.]
J:  The hard part is confronting him. I have tried many times to tell him I was unhappy but he always managed to talk me into staying and that he would change. Only to go right back to the way he was.
[I find myself talking to woman and men in various, and sometimes surprising settings, about sociopaths. At an airport recently a woman told me about a story of her husband of over 20 years. She had four children, he wanted five; she didn’t want the fifth and was asking for a divorce. For a month he treated her as he always should, connecting, being loving, treating her as precious, romantic and kind. She softened. After about a month, he turned to her one night and said, “That is done, I just wanted you to know I could do it, but choose not to because you don’t deserve to be treated that way.” She holds three jobs and cares for the children when she gets home. She’s exhausted and doesn’t know what to do; she is afraid of a nasty divorce and losing her children. He threatens to present as the perfect and attentive stay at home dad. Oh, I forgot to mention, he chooses to not work one hour outside of the home. So he is threatening that he would take the children, stating that he would be the best to care for the children since that’s what he’s already doing….the same story over and over.....]
K:  im reading your blog and thinking WOW..pretty much same situation for me. but only mental and verbal abuse for me.. thats enough! it is so frustrating dealing with this. and nobody believes me. my husband, loved by all, im the crazy one…..AND he is making me out like the one with the problems.  I do admit that i started this process after i realized  that i dont have to take this anymore. i was so beat down and i though i was a worthless person (lots and lots of examples of things he has said to me) and …i did contact my first love. so that makes me look like i am the horrible person….this is awful. and im scared too.
[What is a person supposed to do when they go years without even the lowest level of human decency much less getting any sort of emotional need met? You are not a horrible person. We, as humans, need to connect to each other and when you’re living with a hollow shell of course you were vulnerable and of course you would look for someone with whom you had connected with. Unfortunately, they wait for us to “fail” and then take full advantage. I will share some emotional connections, mistaking a need for validation with receiving attention (in my blog), that were also used against me. You are not alone.]
L:  I feel like crying as I read some of these. It's as if you've been living my life, and you have the words to explain it as I can't. His tone, his condescension, the false accusations, the embellishment, the false concern..... And I've been trying to get the divorce since…
M:  The strange thing about sociopathy are the subtleties and physiology that are not aggressive enough to actually have these diseased people committed…this extreme mental chasm cannot be rectified with any amount of therapy . It's a part of the human condition and will be with us forever ….I suppose we should pray for these people , as they are 3 percent of the worlds population. I am deeply scarred forever by what she did, as she committed an act of mental suicide to me and my loving parents….but she will never know she is , because she is , and always will be , a devout sociopath.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

The Family that Stole Christmas Cont...

We were already down the road and could not take the time to go back and retrieve the presents. I called Susan, who was the only person I knew to be in town, and could barely explain what had happened I was sobbing so much. David and Susan gladly picked up the gifts.
I am much like my father in regard to communication. Both my father and I have to talk to everyone: cashiers, bank tellers, people waiting in line, etc. We strike up conversations with anyone who will listen. So while I was selecting items, during my repeated trips to the mall, I had of course discussed my daughters and how excited I was about their gifts and how they would likely use the apparel, purses and shoes.

When I returned home I planned to take back the clothing and more trendy items and save the jewelry. I went over to David and Susan’s house, unwrapped the gifts and Susan thought she should go with me, with me being extremely upset again. We went to the store and the same sales clerk was there. She asked me how my girls liked the presents and I began to sob, a sob where unavoidable sounds come from your guts. We had to leave. I returned a few weeks later, and though tears still ran down my face, I could make it through the interaction. I cannot return to the store to this day.
My friend (J) whose 26 year old daughter hasn’t spoken to her either, for years, says she stopped giving gifts when her daughter left her birthday present on her front porch.  She and I have an unfortunate bond of shared pain; we will always just know on birthdays, holidays……I am so thankful for her vulnerability and for being there with me every step of the way. For some reason the rejection of even gifts is just devastating, for both of us.

Good intending people recommend that I still send cards and gifts and not let up on my girls. I cannot bear it again. It hurts way too much to be rejected over and over by my own flesh and blood.  Even as I write this my heart tightens, tears run down my face. I have to be able to not only function but be a productive employee and be a good parent to my son. Susan tells me, when I start to second guess myself, “they rejected you, not you them, and you were a good Mom, you have to wait patiently for them to take a step toward you.” She’s right, though it hurts so much, it feels right. To do anything other than that leaves me vulnerable to an emotional crash.  It feels like death, I mourn for them daily. And then I stop myself, every day, hope and pray that they are well and will someday be able to free themselves from the Walton’s, and move just one inch toward me. And then I turn away from the pain and darkness and look at my new path with the sunshine shining brightly on it. I wish they would walk with me just once and a while.    

Friday, January 11, 2013

An Interesting Article about Sociopaths! Please Comment.....

This article was passed along to me by Jason's mother. Who, I am thankful to be in my life and who unabashedly supports the two of us, and has since the beginninng. I find it an interesting article: John Walton, clergy; Jack Walton, lawyer and politics; Peter, politics and some sort of advisor. Peter was miserable in all of his many professions, quit a teaching job, could not make it as a therapist (claimed in the end he only did it to "help me," and was fired and even escorted to his car when employed as a group therapist  at a residental home for teenage boys.

I think  increasing information is becoming available in trying to deal with the heartless among us. And we all need to keep talking! 

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

My Worst Fears: The Family that Stole Christmas

Warren and I shopped for weeks. We found the perfect gifts for his sisters. He often said: “maybe they’ll love you again if you buy them nice things.”  We did buy them nice things. We talked about what they would like and their favorite colors. I sold my engagement/wedding ring to a jeweler in exchange for jewelry for them. Sentimental items that were unique to their personalities. I spent our time at a distance thinking and buying in anticipation of Christmas; our favorite family holiday. I thought this would be a way for me to connect with them and remind them of our relationship. Jason sat with me while I chose pictures from photo albums to put in their cards and special ornaments from their childhoods. [Every year I bought them a Hallmark Christmas ornament, which they unwrapped Christmas Eve, and hung for the next day.] I filled the gift boxes with ornaments before I wrapped them.

Jason has two boys and had them with him on this Christmas. His boys are one year and four years older than Warren; the three get along very well, even better than we had expected. All blonde haired and blue eyed; they could be brothers.  The boys played while Jason and I prepared for Warren’s exchange to his Dad in the McDonald’s parking lot Christmas Eve. We were court ordered to exchange in a public location because of the domestic violence. We were going to drop Warren off then head directly to his family 6 hours away. We wanted to get back so it wasn’t too late for his boys to enjoy the evening and the next day. I could’ve spent time with Warren for part of Christmas day, but we didn’t want to split Jason’s time with his sons, having not seen them since the summer.
The night before Christmas Eve Warren started to become unmanageable and emotional. After about an hour of trying to calm him down he revealed that Peter had told him I loved Jason and his sons more than him. I asked why he would think that and Warren said, bordering on hysterical, “Dad said the Judge let you have me on Christmas day and you said you didn’t want me.” I had revealed in court my plans and, yes, Peter had relayed the proceedings to little Warren with the additional comment that I had chosen Jason’s boys and not him. I reassured Warren of my love and his place in my heart. He was fine by the time we parted.

We all jumped in the car and drove to the exchange. I noticed that John Walton was sitting in the passenger seat and was somewhat relieved to have a “neutral” person to help with the bags of presents. Warren was concerned that he would not be able to carry them to his Dad’s car all by himself.  I got out of the car and retrieved the bags of gifts that the boys were holding in the back seat and walked across the parking lot. I stopped on the passenger side of the car and held out the bags looking for John Walton to help with the exchange of gifts, prepared to be polite. He looked straight ahead with a stern look on this face; he did not even glance in my direction. This highly religious man, leader in the church, had known me for 25 years and could not even treat me like one of his employees; a grown man. Peter stepped out to help Warren and began to yell for me to get away from his car, to not step one step closer. Warren was crying. I panicked, and threw the gifts in the car saying goodbye to Warren whispering that it would be okay.
They drove around to the back and we followed. Peter stopped the car at a dumpster and proceeded to throw the gifts away. I opened my car door and started to film what he was doing, with my smart phone, so he put the gifts in the trunk of the car. Talk about unnecessary drama! I texted my daughters: “I just gave your Dad hundreds of dollars worth of presents. I think he was going to throw them out. I wanted you to know, please let me know if you get them.” Twenty one minutes later I received a text from my oldest daughter: “Thanks anyway. Just returned them in front of the P Clubhouse.” And 13 minutes after that from my youngest daughter: “Thanks anyway, they’re at the clubhouse.” I quietly sobbed, tears running down my face, for the entire 6 hour trip to Jason’s family. Jason asked me what he could do and I said to just please hold my hand. He did.

Jason said it was heartbreaking to watch me excitedly wrap the gifts, talking about them opening them, writing in the cards, selecting pictures…he knew they would not accept the gifts, he had observed hostility toward me.
When we arrived at his father and step mother’s house he took a call from his x wife. She had called dozens of times. He hadn’t wanted to answer with me being so distraught. She had left messages, obviously drunk, slurring her words, cursing and scolding. She proceeded to yell at him for about 30 minutes; that was one of the last times he would take a call from her.

Christmas day his stepmother made it very apparent I was not welcome, though I had told her what had happened with my daughters. To her credit Jason and I were having difficulties with the long distance part of our relationship and the stress of our exs were taking a toll on both of us.  I had to look at pictures of his x wife all over the house. I was sick about leaving Warren in so much suffering, was missing him, felt out of place and unwanted…. Six months later Warren was still talking about Christmas Eve with his therapist.