Tuesday, October 8, 2013
From the beginning, dating Peter, I was forced to sever potentially threatening relationships. I was almost able to get away from him when I decided on a college 400 miles away, but that was not meant to be. He started at my college the next year and there began my isolation. It wasn't overt, but a subtle withholding or a misplaced emotional outburst. Basically manipulating me into severing most of the relationships I had developed in the past year. Peter would cut off from his own friends and family as well. Any threat would be eliminated.
I have been racking my brain trying to remember the phrasing of the scripture shrouded mantra for the family cuts because I am sure that phrase is being used with my daughters. And because I believe the sharing of my story to be my calling, I stumbled upon the actual letter.
On May 9, 2006 Peter wrote the following. Peter had severed relations with his family for years prior to this, the mantra being John and Jack were narcissists. John Walton had showed up at our house. Peter escorted him to the back porch and would not let him into the house. John had driven hundreds of miles. John confessed to ongoing affairs throughout his entire marriage to Elaine. He said there had been no bond with any of the women; so basically he fornicated for decades. Peter thought back and realized that must have been why they moved so much...church secretaries. John was mysteriously let go as president of a liberal arts college with speculation of an affair. This is the alma mater of Peter, myself, my oldest daughter, David and Susan, my parents and brother.
I am writing to respond to your unannounced visit last Monday. I want you to know that I in no way believe you to be repentant--you are a liar. Nothing in what you said suggested to me that you actually care about my wellbeing now, any more than you did when I grew up without your emotional presence. The cost of your self-worship is a son who doesn't desire relating to his father in any way. I believe you are a destructive influence on me and my family. I don't care if you believe otherwise; I'm not interested in any contrary evidence you might submit for consideration.
You are a tiny person manipulating weak-minded people in order to perpetuate your own kingdom, which shields you from undesirable realities. I honor my father by telling you I utterly oppose you. I will not enter your kingdom every again. You will not be permitted in my home again, and I will work to weaken your manipulative power whenever I can. I suspect you will not be able to keep your walls up much longer. All I encounter will know the truth about you.
I will explain to my children that their grandfather is not fit to interact with any of his grandchildren. Perhaps at your coming funeral I will explain the same to a larger audience: John Walton was unfit to deliver the gospel when he failed to receive the good news!
So how about that chilling letter? Scary isn't it? This is the man Peter turned to when our parting was inevitable. John showed up in court proudly standing by a son who shrugs off people, when they become unnecessary, like animals. John and Jack (who paid every cent of Peter's attorney) and Ben seemed delighted to destroy me, without consideration of the children involved.
I'm sure that I am being "honored" by utterly opposing me and leaving my kingdom. The problem is the undeniable biological draw between a mother and her child. How cruel to deny a child that attachment; what devotion to Peter's pulsating rage.
at 9:37 AM
Monday, October 7, 2013
I have been contacted by a freelance writer who would like to interview me for a magazine. She believes this the best way to market my book, along with this blog.
What did your ex do to you to get the bruise on your eye and why? How many times did he beat you? Often and for how many years?Your questions are what anyone would ask. Domestic violence has become more readily acknowledged thanks to a force of passionate researchers and courageous victims. I see this as similar to the "CSI effect," where jurys expect some sort of biological evidence in order to prosecute; eye witness accounts and testimony no longer hold the weight they once did. I am thankful he hit me hard enough to inflict the damage he did. I needed those pictures for my divorce trial or no one would've believed the real terror I endured. Too often women will contact me, with similar stories, wishing that they had been hit so they had evidence for children, court, friends or family. This would make their story “believable” and prove that they weren’t crazy. It has generated the most concern since I came out of the closet with my story; it was the least pain Peter inflicted on me. I didn't even feel it I was so numb. I remember my only thoughts being about how to cover it up so my co-workers wouldn't do something to Peter. A few days later, Peter started to escalate with threats of taking everything from me and I had the wherewithal to take pictures of myself. The mind control is by far the worst form of abuse; you lose yourself and become very small and helpless. The ultimate goal being my suicide, thinking it was the only way out, and he nearly succeeded. Sociopaths are, for the most part, very cool, methodical, intelligent and unbreakable. Peter had a vulnerable moment where he was also intoxicated; his physical violence was generally putting me in positions where I couldn’t move and suffocation. When abuse is primarily psychological it’s difficult to convince anyone of victimization. It’s already taken me pages and pages to try and articulate this insidious and subtle form of abuse. For those with similar stories they are very appreciative, that is my greatest motivation; initially it was a public documentation for my protection.
What do you want to draw attention to in order to help other women?These people are real and they can entrap any of us. No one that has dealt with a sociopath would argue that I’m exaggerating. Those that have not might find what I am saying downright silly. To end this, as with any problem, is to do the opposite of what an abuser would want: talk about it, break it wide open.
What do you hope other women will learn from your story?You are not crazy. You are not alone. If you make any changes or try to leave be prepared, there is no conscious so the unimaginable is going to happen. You will be treated unjustly and there will be casualties. They have an obsessive perseverance that will take your breath away. You won’t be able to keep up if you fall apart or second guess; get in the fight immediately.
What year did you leave and when did you get divorced? Is he still causing trouble or is he leaving you alone now that he is living in another country?August 1, 2011; my first taste of freedom. I am always on guard and always will be. He will not stop trying to shame me or take whatever he can from me. It’s wonderful that he left the country; that was a huge bite of freedom.
at 11:08 AM