Thursday, December 29, 2016

Regret...What an Awful Feeling....

When you meet the love of your life at age 38 and 39 and have spent decades with the mistake of your life, there is unfortunately going to be regret. Our regret is children. If we had met earlier we would have wanted as many as we could've have created...6...7...And it's interesting that many of his team guy counterparts that found the right one, the first time around, have large families.

We obviously have an enormous love for each other (or it would not have survived what was hurled at us), stir in biology and chemistry that is out of this world, and the desire to procreate becomes overwhelming.  One of my marriage mantras is "My love, the husband part is great most of the time, the fatherhood part is great all of the time." Jason simply has fatherhood down. And other children seem to be drawn to him. Our very special, special needs, niece pushes family members aside to get to Uncle Jason and climbs up on his lap wanting him to rub her head. It's a beautiful scene to take in. Every time he sits down it's not long before an animal is on his lap often three or four. When he works around the property the pack follows him everywhere. His message from God to start a camp for middle school aged boys from fatherless homes did not come out of nowhere. The saying goes, animals and children can sense a good person. Jason is a good man.

Jason's strong desire for children, with me, came before my desire. I never dreamed of starting over; it was going to be travel and exciting trips with my boys and more and more freedom to pursue my goals as Warren became more independent. I mean come on...I've been caring for children since age 19. Nonetheless my desire came and has been unrelenting for the last three years.

Jason stayed in his marriage out of Jo's threat to take the children from him (after five years, which is interesting because I had started to want out of mine at the five year mark and stayed also because of children). He stayed in the loveless and hostile union until he couldn't take it any longer; he did however make a decision in 2003 when he separated and was threatened back. Jo wanted another child; Jason had a vasectomy to ensure she did not trick him into just that.

Surgeries....blood tests...physical exams...and ultimately IVF.

Here is our story of a journey through infertility and why I have not blogged for six months.

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Go Ahead and Cut Him in Half...

I was writing a grant for our camp for fatherless boys and veterans with PTSD/TBI and it struck me once again how our exes have hurt their own children.
According to the “National Voice of Families: Protecting Families from the Family Court System, Parentless Statistics:”

·       85% of all children that exhibit behavioral disorders come from fatherless homes (Source: Center for Disease Control)
·       90% of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes (Source: U.S. D.H.H.S., Bureau of the Census)
·       71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes (Source: National Principals Association Report on the State of High Schools.)
·       75% of all adolescent patients in chemical abuse centers come from fatherless homes (Source: Rainbows for all God’s Children.)
·       63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes (Source: U.S. D.H.H.S., Bureau of the Census)
·       80% of rapists motivated with displaced anger come from fatherless homes (Source: Criminal Justice & Behavior, Vol 14, p. 403-26)
·       70% of juveniles in state-operated institutions come from fatherless homes (Source: U.S. Dept. of Justice, Special Report)

·       85% of all youths sitting in prisons grew up in a fatherless home (Source: Fulton Co. Georgia jail populations, Texas Dept. of Corrections).” [1]
1.    1. The National Voice of Families: Keeping Families from the Family Court System, Parentless Statistics (2016). Families Civil Liberties Union. Accessed November 1, 2016.

We went to lunch today with Warren's godparents and his best friend's mother and step mother came into the restaurant. I greeted them and then explained the situation to his godparents. The mother and her parents, the step mother and her parents, the dad and his parents had all circled around this boy; our son's best friend. The love is like nothing we've seen before. They were simply grateful that he was in their world and put away any selfish tendencies to work together to raise him. I told Jason in the car--that's what I was prepared to do with your ex. To make sure the kids had continuity of care and simply be pleasant for the sake of the kids. I mean it is not a big deal. He said he was prepared for the same. Our exes had an entirely different idea of how the new existence was to move forward and it was the most destructive evilness either of us have ever experienced. Just shocking their jealous, juvenile behavior; it's a shame it's ruined four lives. Those four will, necessarily, live a diminished life.  I wonder how the evil two will continue the "narrative" of how Jason and I were such awful parents we needed to be told "I have nothing to say to you," over and over again. Absolute nothing to offer past, present, future. 

I wonder.... when Warren is an incredible, talented, kind, loving child. A child we have raised together; only us. I Jason affects hundreds of boys' lives. He already has ongoing speaking engagements, being sought after as a role model and mentor. And me, I have a continual stream of 20 something young ladies looking for mentoring and guidance as they launch into their careers. Hooding doctoral students, publishing with them, employing them; they look up to me. One even calls me her "work mom." I love it, Jason loves it. Too bad the four have been taught hate, unforgiveness and unnecessary loss. A therapist of ours, who deals with family court cases as a career, says it is a lot worse for the children of parent alienation then the parent who is alienated. That kind of abuse is equivalent to 1 Kings 3:16-28:
 “Please don’t kill my son,” the baby’s mother screamed. “Your Majesty, I love him very much, but give him to her. Just don’t kill him.”
The other woman shouted, “Go ahead and cut him in half. Then neither of us will have the baby.”
Solomon said, “Don’t kill the baby.” Then he pointed to the first woman, “She is his real mother. Give the baby to her.”

Sunday, July 17, 2016

Yes Anonymous, it Does Make a Difference. Thank you for Your Message

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "The Living Dead: Part II": 

I just came across your blog today, and have started reading from the beginning. While I've not read your entire story yet, I have no doubt that all you write about is true, because I'm so familiar with the parts that I have read so far. 

However, it's not my story. It's a loved one's story. I've only recently started learning about the term, but the more I read about it, I'm convinced my sister is married to a sociopath. As I read your through your harrowing journey, I'm doubly sad. Sad for what you've gone through, sad for your son, and sad that I see so many parallels in my sister's life.

Thank you for sharing your story. Sometimes there is comfort in numbers, and I'm slightly comforted knowing that there's someone out there who understands what my sister is going through (although I wish neither of you have to). I hope you have a slight comfort knowing that you've found one more person who believes you and from my anonymous corner of the internet, is in your corner.

My your God bless you. I hope that someday limitless happiness and joy finds you, and this abusive man is completely removed from your life. I have that same hope for my sister.

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

The Living Dead: Part II

Jason had a dream the other night where he answered my phone and it was my oldest daughter. She named herself and he said "it can't be you, you're dead." He has witnessed my grief over my daughters first hand and is maybe unconsciously similar to the grief he experiences over his dead "brothers." Warren has also witnessed this grief and he has grieved himself. He has been diagnosed with PTSD from child abandonment (he had a dad and sisters then suddenly he did not) and from the abuse he suffered from Jason's children. I raised them and gave them 20 years of my life so the sudden loss nearly took me to the point of no return. For them to contact me so overwhelmingly and casually now is triggering and traumatizing.  Jason is raising Warren with me so he gets to weigh in on Warren communicating with his sisters as well. He thinks the casual, yet forceful, overwhelming re-entrance into his life would affect him as it does me--triggering and traumatic. They would need to slowly earn back his trust. Even my last post did not assuage them from contact so I'm learning to live with this reality. Their contact is so detached from reality and what would be best for Warren, especially considering their lack of response the Easter he waited for them/dad with Easter Baskets for them in hand (see "The Family that Stole Easter: Mortal Sin"), what they are capable of scares me. I KNOW they knew what was going on, I had friends contact all of the Walton's via Facebook and one can tell if a message has been read...though when I suggested to my oldest that addressing this would need to come first with Warren, she said, "I have no idea what you are talking about." That alone, not even mentioning their conduct with my Christmas gifts (see "The Family that Stole Christmas"), is enough for Warren to be re-traumatized if I did just pass the phone to him or let him read a card or email.

I was just picking up my office and I came across a journal of Warren's when he was seven. He did think his sisters were nice, and he was sad about everyone moving to Canada. He talked about them a lot. I've said this before, but it warrants repeating. His sisters chose not to communicate outside of Peter's allowed phone and SKYPE time. They were completely controlled by Peter; Peter controlled all communication between them and Warren. I realize they are still completely under his control; their understanding through his perspective alone, to the point of missing out on common sense. I need to keep reminding myself that they replaced the void I left as Peter's victim. They remain within the powerful circle of domestic violence. I believe he cares nothing for Warren, the girls merely pawns, him knowing they would stir me up and them being the last way to do so. And during phone "conversations" daughters state, "this has nothing to do with your divorce. It's not all about you." That is obviously coached. I can see the Waltons sitting around the living room coming up with the next plan of action seeing that Peter revealed himself in court.

History has been re-written and the present disgustingly distorted. So distorted I don't believe we could even agree on one sentence of truth. We have no place to begin again. It is an impossible human situation; only God could fix this and honestly I don't see any of God's goodness in the Waltons. Evil cloaked in justifications, blaming me for everything, religiosity and what the Waltons are best at: guilt and shame. Peter is not allowed any communication with Warren until he abides by the Judge's orders, and he's nearly $10,000 behind in child support.

This was his last communication with Warren:

"Hi Warren! Happy Easter (As Catholics we remain in the Easter season until Ascension Sunday on May 8th. That's when Jesus left the ground and went to live with the Father in heaven). I miss you every day, Warren. I can't wait until we are together again. We have a lot to catch up on and [your sisters] miss you too, and so do a lot of others, like your grandparents. I love you Warren and I'm proud of you! Dad--Feel free to call me anytime (phone and email)." At Christmas a crucifix and Saint card.

A note from John Walton, "Dear Warren, Your grandmother and I think of you every day. We are too lonely for you and we hope and pray you are okay. [Sisters] are doing well--working hard in Ottawa. Your dad keeps hoping we will all be able to get together soon. I think you are going to have a birthday soon. I'd love to be in the room when you blow out the candles. I remember our visit in Ottawa, looking over the Ottawa river. I've got your bike hanging on the wall in our garage and your toys are kept safe downstairs. We love you more than we can say on paper. Please be safe and let's hope we can be together soon. When I pray for you I pray for your mom, dad [sisters]." And the last communication to Warren was a card asking for a sit down with everyone, including sisters and Jason. He is 12! Let him play and be a kid!

Here's my response to all of the cards, messages, yelling demands on the phone, presents from ALL of you.

You all were eager, near giddy, to engage the law and courts. That's where it will stay; you all are way to dangerous for us to not have that protection. Let's continue to leave this matter to the experts and not ask a 12 year old innocent boy to make changes to years of orders. Let's leave adult matters to the adults. No more "innocent love and missing him as victims in all of this" disguised as shame and guilt. Everything you send goes directly into a plastic tote for evidence in court or when Jason and I think Warren can handle the emotional weight. Warren needs nothing material from any of you (child support would be helpful) so gifts go in the tote as well. And when people ask Jason and me how many children we have...we say one very special and gifted boy. We could not love him more or be more proud. He is our joy.

Monday, May 30, 2016

Entitlements and Demands

This may seem very harsh but I am fed up. After years of my daughters having control they are out of it. They are bordering on harrassment. Contact is out of the question. Really? Peter could be on the other line....contempt of court.  Peter and both of you are child abusers. Come clean. Peter is not able to do the simplest in response to his abuse and now daughters you see there is no control anymore. have decided to bombard me and harass my phone line. Go away. Please. You have hurt us all enough. Please go away. 

Sunday, May 1, 2016

The Story of a Little Boy: The Living Death

A little 6 year old boy has two sisters that are so much older they are like second moms….a horrible unnecessarily hostile and highly litigated divorce unfolds and those sisters chose only to interact with their brother dependent upon court ordered communication with their dad, who one calls Peter instead of dad. 

In an age where communication is so easy people can even accidentally communicate, these sisters elected to not communicate with their little brother independently…the little boy learned to miss his sisters. You see their hate for their mother was much stronger than their love for their little brother, who looked on them like heroes and stars. He had been to so many ballet and singing lessons and his sisters so talented, why wouldn’t he think the world of them? His mother nearly always taking the girls to lessons and her wanting to be with her little boy as much as possible brought him as well. They watched them together…. at ballet studios, school musicals, music lessons…

There were short talks about visiting them, not them coming to him, not them asking about his life, what he wanted, what mattered to him…only anticipation of visiting them on their terms. Anticipation…..oh how he looked forward to that spring break…so many plans…so much excitement. The little brother and the mother went to the store and bought a musical note pin for the opera singer, a peacock pin for the dancer (because she was so fashionable) a rock that said “love,” a rock that said “faith,” candles, bunnies for Easter, cards, school pictures (a larger order so everyone could have a picture); THE LITTLE BOY PICKED EVERYTHING OUT HIMSELF AND WAS SO EXCITED TO SEE HIS BIG SISTERS.

[Please see the post “The family that stole Easter” for details of the event.]

Where were they? He called their phones, he left messages where he could barely talk he was crying so hard, asking where his dad was…was he dead? He called, the mother called, emailed, the mother put messages out on Facebook….NO ONE ANSWERED. NO ONE ANSWERED. NO ONE EXPLAINED. NO ONE APOLOGIZED. There were so many messages; there was/is no possible way his sisters did not know about this tragic event. NO WAY.

He has no control, they won’t answer; they won’t talk to him. They left him. This little boy has no control over when or even if he will ever see his sisters again. He had two sisters…now he does not…that's all he understands...he's just a little boy...


Years later they call the mother demanding to talk to the little boy right then....hateful, angry, with no desire to understand their little brother. Only wanting to talk to him because for some reason at this point in time they have decided they now want to communicate, perhaps independently, perhaps not. This is what THEY want and they WANT IT RIGHT NOW. The big sisters do not understand how the little boy has grieved and to pass the phone would diminish his years of grief. No, big sisters, little brother needs so much more than a flippant phone conversation that only makes you feel better and likely him only being abandoned once again.

This is a very sad story.  

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Is this an Epidemic?

I received this comment today and would like to respond in a post so this comment is not lost in an old post.

This is so heartbreaking but reality for many. For some it is easier and safer to stay. Without Jason to help me I don't know that I would've been safe to leave; danger of homicide or suicide. Without the tangible hope of a better life I don't know that I could have sustained hope on my own and the consequences of PTSD leave it hard for me to even now be alone. Jason is my rock; he is strong, safe consistent and loves me unconditionally. And anyone that struggles with PTSD knows that unconditional isn't always easy. Jason is my earthly guardian angle for whom I am thankful for every day. WE are something I had no idea could even exist...and the pure unadulterated joy he brings out of Warren simply heavenly.

Being married to a sociopath is a prison; an innocent person condemned to a murder sentence. Your rights are controlled as if by a warden. I understand, though, what you are doing. I offer this: keep your dream of escaping alive and slowly find ways to prove who he is.  Document any physical violence as this is really the only form of abuse that can be proven and try not to fear calling police. That is the best proof. If you are able see an attorney and start to get your story in front of his; the first person who goes aggressive has the advantage and if it's him it will be an incredibly difficult process to turn. You might lose your children, but they see how you are being treated and you run the risk of them finding themselves in the same relationship. Lastly, please be careful. These creatures can sense independence and their victim pulling away.  Good Bless You Anonymous.

"I am so glad I found this article....I have a long story about being married to a sociopath, which, after many years of reflection includes being isolated from my good family and friends, isolated from the city to the country, lost all my jobs quickly after I married him due to stress at home, and most of all, the emergence of suppressed immune system and constant physical illness including HPB, and pre-diabetic symptoms. The doctor says stress and bring it on...and kill you. Many people don't understand if Im so bad off being married to him, and if Im so unhappy...why not leave? I would say since I have lived with my sociopathic husband for 7 years, one thing I have learned as a problem solver, IF YOUR PLAN DOESNT SOLVE THE PROBLEM DONT MOVE UNTIL YOU FIND A SOLUTION THAT's where it gets husband has already done SUCH A GREAT JOB of turning my own family against me already that I can already foresee the court system manipulation and lies with lawyers and judges...same as now...I might even get my kids taken away he's such a liar. So for now, since he works out of town a lot I have just chosen to stay knowing that LEAVING WONT CHANGE HIS CHARACTER OR HIS BEHAVIOR...I WILL STILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH HIM AS LONG AS WE HAVE THE CHILDREN (FOREVER). My plan has been to have the one person in my family still on my side (my brother) abreast to the situation and the prospect that he has an evil and possibly VERY dangerous side, as in the capacity to "flip out" or maybe poison me....I watch him very closely and took out a life insurance policy he knows nothing about so he doesn't have motivation to kill me on purpose (only my brother knows about the policy in case I die of natural causes) Also, since engaging him in ANY conversation is stressful and brings on physical illness and high blood pressure, I literally do not speak to him at all...when he comes home, I leave him with the kids and don't tell him where Im going. I try to interact with him as little as possible, if at all. I have one new friend after all these years I can vent to and she knows about my husband to, but HE WILL NEVER MEET HER AS EVERY PERSON I LET HIM MEET HE TURNS THEM AGAINST this new friend is a secret. I know it sounds crazy to most, but really if you divorce a sociopath you still have to deal with them and the stress doesn't go away, so for me and my situation the best thing to do is learn how to deal with stress in the home and take care of my self as much as possible, limit all non-essential communication and dealings, keep at least one close person informed of the situation in case things escalate or something least one person can look into it if you cant and have no one else...These are truly the most dangerous people on earth, like the devil walking among us."

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

...They Will Try and Control How Others See You...

This is a comment from one of my posts. This is why I continue. This is why I am taking a month off with no pay to finish book #1. Thank you for taking the time "anonymous" to respond to this blog.

My thoughts are with you and all of the rest who thought they were just "crazy" and out of control...NO...WE were left unsettled, unprotected and were we supposed to find stability or find a way out? We stay BECAUSE they leave us with no opportunity to realize what's happening or be with others that can help us see....

I found your blog yesterday. I feel like I am reading a large portion of my own story. I was married 20 years as well and have been divorced for 3 years...not much has changed. It has bothered me that the divorce trauma has not ended so I have been searching for answers. I have always known my ex-husband has control problems. About 5 days ago I stumbled onto an article that prompted me to research psychopathy. I have been reeling every since. I can't believe I finally have an answer for all of those years. The most frightening thing, however, is not knowing how serious the situation actually was. It will take me a while to organize the puzzle of my thoughts and know where to go from here. This post hit every nerve in my body. I can honestly say in 20 years of marriage I was never given the gift of an ACTUAL RESOLUTION to any argument or fight that we ever had. It all went under the proverbial rug (I have a mental image of that rug still) I wish I had known how deep the pit was dug under that rug. I internalized every single last unresolved issue as my own knowing he would never change and if I ever wanted things to be different it would up to me. I wish I had known that NOTHING I could do would have ever been enough. Well, unless I just died, I guess.

I'm on the tip of my iceberg and shaking all over. So much to process. Thank you for your words. I wish you knew how much they mean to me.

Sunday, January 24, 2016

You know what I love?

I absolutely LOVE it when lies get told over and over, so much that they get old and those that initially listened get tired. I love it when, after everything gets still and quiet..... the truth can slowly start to come out, like an introvert answering a question.....

Book II: Gone Girl

The movie adaptation of the novel “Gone Girl” by Gillian Flynn is a powerful depiction of the manipulation of common sense. There’s no doubt that Ben Affleck’s character, Nick, is a grade A ass. And all of us women can relate to that kind of betrayal because that’s what guys do (re-use the same card that worked in the past) so for a minute we’re cheering for the Amy character. Then common sense kicks in and WHOA, hold on Amy, divorce happens, he’s allowed to leave and cheating often happens when there is no intimacy; nothing new under the sun. And then the end where she has a situation better than what she planned, in her mind, carrying on like she is exactly where she wants to be with a perfect life. Her false “Amazing Amy” childhood comes full circle here with, her, a cinematic picture of her grown children’s book character. Then my favorite Nick line, “Why do you want this?” Amy is stunted at Maslow’s love/belongingness stage and to her the appearance of is enough. Well, no, it’s everything.

I’ve always been baffled at this singularity in Jo, and then I saw this movie and I got it. If only Jason had died in battle, then Jo could have created the story of a perfect marriage, family, life OR her a victim of Jason's abuses; no one to dispute anything, much like what happened when Jason was deployed. Jason would've been a prisoner to whatever and whoever Jo wanted to create.... forever.

Jo preferred Jason be deployed or on the road. When Jason was transferred to Alaska, she wanted to stay at her current location but remain married. Jason left in 2004, but her threats were so tangible Jason went back and in doing so gave her the control she sought. Miserable, he finally asked her if she was happy the way their marriage was and she responded yes. All the while she was telling everyone who would listen what a horribly abusive man he was. Most, finding her stories outlandish, would shut down disparagement of Jason, but some did not giving her enough oxygen and confidence to ignite a firestorm of false allegations, which nearly destroyed him. In Alaska, the day before she was leaving, the military having already packed her house, she told “a friend” that Jason would never leave her. The friend was in disbelief; that didn’t even make sense.

By the time Jason was formally accused of beating Jo, the train had already left the station, and he didn’t even know how to defend himself. It’s very difficult to anticipate the next chess move when nothing is real and what’s real exaggerated, making it impossible to anticipate what’s coming next. Kind of like Nick coming home to the disheveled house not realizing what was happening until at the police station.

Remember the eerie statement about the false domestic violence accusation? “All of this can go away if you come back.” A threat had worked before, why not turn it up and try again. And then the NCIS investigation. Years later a call to Homeland Security at our current location to shut down Jason’s plans to work with the state police. Years and years of thinking about us, plotting, and talking about all of it to whomever would listen. Finally, the false sexual abuse allegation against me. She really thought that would unite her and Jason against me. Both sons admitted she thought I was the only thing standing in the way of re-unification. So Jo, as with Amy, spent years plotting, disparaging both Jason and me, trying to destroy our lives, all with the hope of having Jason back and under her control. That doesn’t even make sense Amy…I mean Jo…

Saturday, January 23, 2016

But there will always be those who judge us from where we parted, not looking for where we are in the distance.

Where I am and who I am is the totality of where I've been and who I was. Those in my past do not know me though, I am not there anymore. But there will always be those who judge me from where we parted, not looking for where I am in the distance.
My life is so different than what I knew before Jason that if feels like I’m living an entirely different life. Where before I knew despair, emptiness, loneliness, helplessness, hopelessness, self-loathing, now I know intimacy so deep it heals me from my core. I never knew I could love and be loved so completely. Jason is the most psychologically strong person I’ve ever known, the most accepting, patient, warm and uncomplaining. To a point though, once you cross the line and the switch is flipped, there is no going back with him. Other team guys I’ve met have the same personality traits so it’s either that “type” is drawn to the SEALS or the teams create these personality traits. I’ve watched and learned from him; by the way he lives; wondering how he is so positive, joyful, grateful and so present focused, even under foul circumstances where us “normal” folks would cave into a pity party. He attributes it to “not being shot at in that moment and no life threatening issues, so what’s problem?”  
I believe a truly loving relationship is when both bring out the best in each other. Here are some life lessons Jason brings out in me:  1) I can live with much less 2) live in each moment and experience my surroundings 3) the problem can be fixed just slow down and figure it out, and, most importantly and difficult to accomplish, 4) don’t think about or talk about people or situations that don’t make me feel good and especially if I can’t do anything about it.
After the holidays Jason went on a Wounded Warrior trip and Warren and I were left to keep up the ranch. One night, out for dinner, I asked Warren how the holidays were and how he felt about not having “dad Canada” or his sisters in his life, especially during the holidays. He said “they don’t make me feel good so I don’t think about them. When I do I change my thought.” He then looked at me as if to say “mom, we can talk about this if YOU need to, but I’d rather talk about today.” He then proceeded to talk about his school teachers and his science fair project (that happened to win, with his own very unique idea about friction fires). Warren has learned lesson #4 at age 12 and what a powerful skill; to train one’s own mind to deal with enormous grief. He’s also learned #3 as I watch him do odd jobs around the house (i.e. hanging curtain rods), getting frustrated, overcoming the frustration, solving the problem and finishing. It’s remarkable to observe his development under the fathering of Jason.

So when I’m slapped in the face with yet another “Walton intrusion” I’m at first surprised they even consider me; I certainly don’t any of them. This blog is the only place where I re-visit the past or speak to it. So now here’s where I go back and remember and realize that where I left them on the path is where they remain. They’ve camped out, huddled together, hashing out all the evils that have been done to them by all the evil people….I have to go back very far to find them….. I remember sitting in the living room discussing whatever the current drama to ad nauseam. It didn't matter if children were crying because of the stress or daily events were missed or dismissed, what mattered was keeping the family focused on the enemy at hand. They won’t know exactly what the trigger was that sent me back this time, but they should know by now that every time they do, I have a renewed motivation to finish this book. It’s very difficult to go back to a life that seems nothing more or less than a nightmare so I actually appreciate being called back to my important life’s work.