Sunday, January 24, 2016

You know what I love?

I absolutely LOVE it when lies get told over and over, so much that they get old and those that initially listened get tired. I love it when, after everything gets still and quiet..... the truth can slowly start to come out, like an introvert answering a question.....

Book II: Gone Girl

The movie adaptation of the novel “Gone Girl” by Gillian Flynn is a powerful depiction of the manipulation of common sense. There’s no doubt that Ben Affleck’s character, Nick, is a grade A ass. And all of us women can relate to that kind of betrayal because that’s what guys do (re-use the same card that worked in the past) so for a minute we’re cheering for the Amy character. Then common sense kicks in and WHOA, hold on Amy, divorce happens, he’s allowed to leave and cheating often happens when there is no intimacy; nothing new under the sun. And then the end where she has a situation better than what she planned, in her mind, carrying on like she is exactly where she wants to be with a perfect life. Her false “Amazing Amy” childhood comes full circle here with, her, a cinematic picture of her grown children’s book character. Then my favorite Nick line, “Why do you want this?” Amy is stunted at Maslow’s love/belongingness stage and to her the appearance of is enough. Well, no, it’s everything.

I’ve always been baffled at this singularity in Jo, and then I saw this movie and I got it. If only Jason had died in battle, then Jo could have created the story of a perfect marriage, family, life OR her a victim of Jason's abuses; no one to dispute anything, much like what happened when Jason was deployed. Jason would've been a prisoner to whatever and whoever Jo wanted to create.... forever.

Jo preferred Jason be deployed or on the road. When Jason was transferred to Alaska, she wanted to stay at her current location but remain married. Jason left in 2004, but her threats were so tangible Jason went back and in doing so gave her the control she sought. Miserable, he finally asked her if she was happy the way their marriage was and she responded yes. All the while she was telling everyone who would listen what a horribly abusive man he was. Most, finding her stories outlandish, would shut down disparagement of Jason, but some did not giving her enough oxygen and confidence to ignite a firestorm of false allegations, which nearly destroyed him. In Alaska, the day before she was leaving, the military having already packed her house, she told “a friend” that Jason would never leave her. The friend was in disbelief; that didn’t even make sense.

By the time Jason was formally accused of beating Jo, the train had already left the station, and he didn’t even know how to defend himself. It’s very difficult to anticipate the next chess move when nothing is real and what’s real exaggerated, making it impossible to anticipate what’s coming next. Kind of like Nick coming home to the disheveled house not realizing what was happening until at the police station.

Remember the eerie statement about the false domestic violence accusation? “All of this can go away if you come back.” A threat had worked before, why not turn it up and try again. And then the NCIS investigation. Years later a call to Homeland Security at our current location to shut down Jason’s plans to work with the state police. Years and years of thinking about us, plotting, and talking about all of it to whomever would listen. Finally, the false sexual abuse allegation against me. She really thought that would unite her and Jason against me. Both sons admitted she thought I was the only thing standing in the way of re-unification. So Jo, as with Amy, spent years plotting, disparaging both Jason and me, trying to destroy our lives, all with the hope of having Jason back and under her control. That doesn’t even make sense Amy…I mean Jo…

Saturday, January 23, 2016

But there will always be those who judge us from where we parted, not looking for where we are in the distance.

Where I am and who I am is the totality of where I've been and who I was. Those in my past do not know me though, I am not there anymore. But there will always be those who judge me from where we parted, not looking for where I am in the distance.
My life is so different than what I knew before Jason that if feels like I’m living an entirely different life. Where before I knew despair, emptiness, loneliness, helplessness, hopelessness, self-loathing, now I know intimacy so deep it heals me from my core. I never knew I could love and be loved so completely. Jason is the most psychologically strong person I’ve ever known, the most accepting, patient, warm and uncomplaining. To a point though, once you cross the line and the switch is flipped, there is no going back with him. Other team guys I’ve met have the same personality traits so it’s either that “type” is drawn to the SEALS or the teams create these personality traits. I’ve watched and learned from him; by the way he lives; wondering how he is so positive, joyful, grateful and so present focused, even under foul circumstances where us “normal” folks would cave into a pity party. He attributes it to “not being shot at in that moment and no life threatening issues, so what’s problem?”  
I believe a truly loving relationship is when both bring out the best in each other. Here are some life lessons Jason brings out in me:  1) I can live with much less 2) live in each moment and experience my surroundings 3) the problem can be fixed just slow down and figure it out, and, most importantly and difficult to accomplish, 4) don’t think about or talk about people or situations that don’t make me feel good and especially if I can’t do anything about it.
After the holidays Jason went on a Wounded Warrior trip and Warren and I were left to keep up the ranch. One night, out for dinner, I asked Warren how the holidays were and how he felt about not having “dad Canada” or his sisters in his life, especially during the holidays. He said “they don’t make me feel good so I don’t think about them. When I do I change my thought.” He then looked at me as if to say “mom, we can talk about this if YOU need to, but I’d rather talk about today.” He then proceeded to talk about his school teachers and his science fair project (that happened to win, with his own very unique idea about friction fires). Warren has learned lesson #4 at age 12 and what a powerful skill; to train one’s own mind to deal with enormous grief. He’s also learned #3 as I watch him do odd jobs around the house (i.e. hanging curtain rods), getting frustrated, overcoming the frustration, solving the problem and finishing. It’s remarkable to observe his development under the fathering of Jason.

So when I’m slapped in the face with yet another “Walton intrusion” I’m at first surprised they even consider me; I certainly don’t any of them. This blog is the only place where I re-visit the past or speak to it. So now here’s where I go back and remember and realize that where I left them on the path is where they remain. They’ve camped out, huddled together, hashing out all the evils that have been done to them by all the evil people….I have to go back very far to find them….. I remember sitting in the living room discussing whatever the current drama to ad nauseam. It didn't matter if children were crying because of the stress or daily events were missed or dismissed, what mattered was keeping the family focused on the enemy at hand. They won’t know exactly what the trigger was that sent me back this time, but they should know by now that every time they do, I have a renewed motivation to finish this book. It’s very difficult to go back to a life that seems nothing more or less than a nightmare so I actually appreciate being called back to my important life’s work.