Tuesday, June 7, 2016

The Living Dead: Part II

Jason had a dream the other night where he answered my phone and it was my oldest daughter. She named herself and he said "it can't be you, you're dead." He has witnessed my grief over my daughters first hand and is maybe unconsciously similar to the grief he experiences over his dead "brothers." Warren has also witnessed this grief and he has grieved himself. He has been diagnosed with PTSD from child abandonment (he had a dad and sisters then suddenly he did not) and from the abuse he suffered from Jason's children. I raised them and gave them 20 years of my life so the sudden loss nearly took me to the point of no return. For them to contact me so overwhelmingly and casually now is triggering and traumatizing.  Jason is raising Warren with me so he gets to weigh in on Warren communicating with his sisters as well. He thinks the casual, yet forceful, overwhelming re-entrance into his life would affect him as it does me--triggering and traumatic. They would need to slowly earn back his trust. Even my last post did not assuage them from contact so I'm learning to live with this reality. Their contact is so detached from reality and what would be best for Warren, especially considering their lack of response the Easter he waited for them/dad with Easter Baskets for them in hand (see "The Family that Stole Easter: Mortal Sin"), what they are capable of scares me. I KNOW they knew what was going on, I had friends contact all of the Walton's via Facebook and one can tell if a message has been read...though when I suggested to my oldest that addressing this would need to come first with Warren, she said, "I have no idea what you are talking about." That alone, not even mentioning their conduct with my Christmas gifts (see "The Family that Stole Christmas"), is enough for Warren to be re-traumatized if I did just pass the phone to him or let him read a card or email.

I was just picking up my office and I came across a journal of Warren's when he was seven. He did think his sisters were nice, and he was sad about everyone moving to Canada. He talked about them a lot. I've said this before, but it warrants repeating. His sisters chose not to communicate outside of Peter's allowed phone and SKYPE time. They were completely controlled by Peter; Peter controlled all communication between them and Warren. I realize they are still completely under his control; their understanding through his perspective alone, to the point of missing out on common sense. I need to keep reminding myself that they replaced the void I left as Peter's victim. They remain within the powerful circle of domestic violence. I believe he cares nothing for Warren, the girls merely pawns, him knowing they would stir me up and them being the last way to do so. And during phone "conversations" daughters state, "this has nothing to do with your divorce. It's not all about you." That is obviously coached. I can see the Waltons sitting around the living room coming up with the next plan of action seeing that Peter revealed himself in court.

History has been re-written and the present disgustingly distorted. So distorted I don't believe we could even agree on one sentence of truth. We have no place to begin again. It is an impossible human situation; only God could fix this and honestly I don't see any of God's goodness in the Waltons. Evil cloaked in justifications, blaming me for everything, religiosity and what the Waltons are best at: guilt and shame. Peter is not allowed any communication with Warren until he abides by the Judge's orders, and he's nearly $10,000 behind in child support.

This was his last communication with Warren:

"Hi Warren! Happy Easter (As Catholics we remain in the Easter season until Ascension Sunday on May 8th. That's when Jesus left the ground and went to live with the Father in heaven). I miss you every day, Warren. I can't wait until we are together again. We have a lot to catch up on and [your sisters] miss you too, and so do a lot of others, like your grandparents. I love you Warren and I'm proud of you! Dad--Feel free to call me anytime (phone and email)." At Christmas a crucifix and Saint card.

A note from John Walton, "Dear Warren, Your grandmother and I think of you every day. We are too lonely for you and we hope and pray you are okay. [Sisters] are doing well--working hard in Ottawa. Your dad keeps hoping we will all be able to get together soon. I think you are going to have a birthday soon. I'd love to be in the room when you blow out the candles. I remember our visit in Ottawa, looking over the Ottawa river. I've got your bike hanging on the wall in our garage and your toys are kept safe downstairs. We love you more than we can say on paper. Please be safe and let's hope we can be together soon. When I pray for you I pray for your mom, dad [sisters]." And the last communication to Warren was a card asking for a sit down with everyone, including sisters and Jason. He is 12! Let him play and be a kid!

Here's my response to all of the cards, messages, yelling demands on the phone, presents from ALL of you.

You all were eager, near giddy, to engage the law and courts. That's where it will stay; you all are way to dangerous for us to not have that protection. Let's continue to leave this matter to the experts and not ask a 12 year old innocent boy to make changes to years of instructions....no orders. Let's leave adult matters to the adults. No more "innocent love and missing him as victims in all of this" disguised as shame and guilt. Everything you send goes directly into a plastic tote for evidence in court or when Jason and I think Warren can handle the emotional weight. Warren needs nothing material from any of you (child support would be helpful) so gifts go in the tote as well. And when people ask Jason and me how many children we have...we say one very special and gifted boy. We could not love him more or be more proud. He is our joy.