Thursday, December 29, 2016

Regret...What an Awful Feeling....

When you meet the love of your life at age 38 and 39 and have spent decades with the mistake of your life, there is unfortunately going to be regret. Our regret is children. If we had met earlier we would have wanted as many as we could've have created...6...7...And it's interesting that many of his team guy counterparts that found the right one, the first time around, have large families.

We obviously have an enormous love for each other (or it would not have survived what was hurled at us), stir in biology and chemistry that is out of this world, and the desire to procreate becomes overwhelming.  One of my marriage mantras is "My love, the husband part is great most of the time, the fatherhood part is great all of the time." Jason simply has fatherhood down. And other children seem to be drawn to him. Our very special, special needs, niece pushes family members aside to get to Uncle Jason and climbs up on his lap wanting him to rub her head. It's a beautiful scene to take in. Every time he sits down it's not long before an animal is on his lap often three or four. When he works around the property the pack follows him everywhere. His message from God to start a camp for middle school aged boys from fatherless homes did not come out of nowhere. The saying goes, animals and children can sense a good person. Jason is a good man.

Jason's strong desire for children, with me, came before my desire. I never dreamed of starting over; it was going to be travel and exciting trips with my boys and more and more freedom to pursue my goals as Warren became more independent. I mean come on...I've been caring for children since age 19. Nonetheless my desire came and has been unrelenting for the last three years.

Jason stayed in his marriage out of Jo's threat to take the children from him (after five years, which is interesting because I had started to want out of mine at the five year mark and stayed also because of children). He stayed in the loveless and hostile union until he couldn't take it any longer; he did however make a decision in 2003 when he separated and was threatened back. Jo wanted another child; Jason had a vasectomy to ensure she did not trick him into just that.

Surgeries....blood tests...physical exams...and ultimately IVF.

Here is our story of a journey through infertility and why I have not blogged for six months.

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Go Ahead and Cut Him in Half...

I was writing a grant for our camp for fatherless boys and veterans with PTSD/TBI and it struck me once again how our exes have hurt their own children.
According to the “National Voice of Families: Protecting Families from the Family Court System, Parentless Statistics:”

·       85% of all children that exhibit behavioral disorders come from fatherless homes (Source: Center for Disease Control)
·       90% of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes (Source: U.S. D.H.H.S., Bureau of the Census)
·       71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes (Source: National Principals Association Report on the State of High Schools.)
·       75% of all adolescent patients in chemical abuse centers come from fatherless homes (Source: Rainbows for all God’s Children.)
·       63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes (Source: U.S. D.H.H.S., Bureau of the Census)
·       80% of rapists motivated with displaced anger come from fatherless homes (Source: Criminal Justice & Behavior, Vol 14, p. 403-26)
·       70% of juveniles in state-operated institutions come from fatherless homes (Source: U.S. Dept. of Justice, Special Report)

·       85% of all youths sitting in prisons grew up in a fatherless home (Source: Fulton Co. Georgia jail populations, Texas Dept. of Corrections).” [1]
1.    1. The National Voice of Families: Keeping Families from the Family Court System, Parentless Statistics (2016). Families Civil Liberties Union. Accessed November 1, 2016.

We went to lunch today with Warren's godparents and his best friend's mother and step mother came into the restaurant. I greeted them and then explained the situation to his godparents. The mother and her parents, the step mother and her parents, the dad and his parents had all circled around this boy; our son's best friend. The love is like nothing we've seen before. They were simply grateful that he was in their world and put away any selfish tendencies to work together to raise him. I told Jason in the car--that's what I was prepared to do with your ex. To make sure the kids had continuity of care and simply be pleasant for the sake of the kids. I mean it is not a big deal. He said he was prepared for the same. Our exes had an entirely different idea of how the new existence was to move forward and it was the most destructive evilness either of us have ever experienced. Just shocking their jealous, juvenile behavior; it's a shame it's ruined four lives. Those four will, necessarily, live a diminished life.  I wonder how the evil two will continue the "narrative" of how Jason and I were such awful parents we needed to be told "I have nothing to say to you," over and over again. Absolute nothing to offer past, present, future. 

I wonder.... when Warren is an incredible, talented, kind, loving child. A child we have raised together; only us. I Jason affects hundreds of boys' lives. He already has ongoing speaking engagements, being sought after as a role model and mentor. And me, I have a continual stream of 20 something young ladies looking for mentoring and guidance as they launch into their careers. Hooding doctoral students, publishing with them, employing them; they look up to me. One even calls me her "work mom." I love it, Jason loves it. Too bad the four have been taught hate, unforgiveness and unnecessary loss. A therapist of ours, who deals with family court cases as a career, says it is a lot worse for the children of parent alienation then the parent who is alienated. That kind of abuse is equivalent to 1 Kings 3:16-28:
 “Please don’t kill my son,” the baby’s mother screamed. “Your Majesty, I love him very much, but give him to her. Just don’t kill him.”
The other woman shouted, “Go ahead and cut him in half. Then neither of us will have the baby.”
Solomon said, “Don’t kill the baby.” Then he pointed to the first woman, “She is his real mother. Give the baby to her.”